The lost POWCON interactive story
Feb 16, 2025
Vax
DEC$NOTES
POW
POWCON
================================================================================ Note X.x INTERACTIVE : The interactive story that would not die 1 of many V8800::DCMINTER 16-FEB-2025 14:50 -< The story continues 35 years on >- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This used to have a "witty" introduction, but tastes change and 2025 me is less impressed with himself that 2002 me was, so I'll give it to you straight: Back in the 90s I was enrolled at the Polytechnic of Wales (POW) where the internet was barely a thing for us - such as we had it was JANET but most of us didn't have access to that; however our shared minicomputer cluster of Vax machines (a V8650, a V8800, and a lab full of DecStations) did encompass a social network of sorts. Amongst the tools in that environment was the DEC$NOTES "Conference" system - hence POWCON for Polytechnic Of Wales CONference (and what we'd call a forum these days). A few other tools bound that little social scene together - DEC$PHONE for instant messaging, status messages in the logged-in process list was a little like an early twitter (!) or Facebook wall, and of course email - the only one that's still not that different in the modern era. You can read more about my thoughts on that time in my concurrent post on "an early social un-network". On POWCON the forum, there were a variety of topics discussed - many serious but some frivolous. Amongst the most frivolous was the "interactive story" topic, and as it happens I captured a copy of this without thinking too hard about it, threw it onto a floppy disk, and somehow I still have it a third of a century later. There's not much left of that little cultural pool now - I found a handful of academic articles about POWCON but couldn't find even a picture of the Vax datacentre or terminal labs that were the focus of our nerdery so long ago. I'm a little sad about that. Still, this scrap is saved from the ashes and while it's at most a curiosity for anyone else, I hope a handful of my contemporaries at Poly o' Wales (subsequently the University of Glamorgan and now a part of the University of South Wales) will enjoy at least the sight of those familiar names from the ancient times. I put this up back in the early 2000s and then took it down again at some point when I repaved my vanity domain with some blog content. Hat tip to the Internet Archive who saved me the trouble of converting it all to HTML again (or indeed digging out the floppy disk image from my backups). Since then I became the proud (?) owner of a (broken) DecStation so it's not 100% impossible that I might figure it out how to present it in something more like it's original environment. For now, however, a simple web page and some <pre> tags will have to do. A long time ago, in a polytechnic far far away...
<<< DISK$USER2:[NOTES]MEDIA.NOTE;3 >>>
-< Media >-
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Note 5.0 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 172 replies
V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 25 lines 27-SEP-1990 11:32
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Last year this conference had a very good interactive storytelling
topic.
What happened, as far as I can remember, was that someone started a
story, and left some kind of cliffhanger so someone else could carry on
and so on, until a wholely complicated and confusing tale was woven.
If you are new here, I'd suggest you read the story from the start. If
you've done this before... what's stopping you?
So..
BEWARE! YOU ARE ENTERING THE INTERACTIVE ZONE!!!
A dimension Not of Order and Logic, but of Chaos and Insanity.....
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED .....
Rob (1) + Bic ...
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Note 5.1 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 1 of 172
V8800::KUCHANNY "Bic's Back !!" 19 lines 27-SEP-1990 13:18
-< Part One - The Evil Awakes..... >-
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....In the beginning there was darkness....
......Then to Holsts 'The Planets' a flashing cursor appeared next to
the words
"ENTER USERNAME >".....
...Then in a parallel dimension a young student was working on the PoWs
V8800 Vax....
...This is his story....
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Note 5.3 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 3 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER 25 lines 3-OCT-1990 19:19
-< Continuing... >-
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Wonder where you got that from?
ok
*******************************************
With a thudding pain in his head, or that part of his anatomy which he
had previously associated with his head, he rebounded from the far wall
of the memory register he had so callously been fired into.
Looking up and around him, he realised that his predicament was
clearly impossible, and therefore unlikely to be a serious problem.
Reaching into his pocket for his trusty copy of The Hitch-Hikers
guide to the VAXSTATION, he realised two things.
1: He was in the wrong story, and
2: He had no hand, arm or body to speak of.
On the far wall, a glaring neon sign blinked enquiringly. It read:
You are trapped in a PDP/119. System will reset in 28 seconds.
As he looked, the figure changed ominously to 27 . Pausing only to
panic, he tried unsuccesfully to escape.
*****************************************
Is this the end of our hero?
Search me. That's about the end of my literary capability.
Demon.
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Note 5.4 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 4 of 172
V8800::CASHAW 11 lines 9-OCT-1990 10:27
-< DEJA VU >-
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Meanwhile a certain humanic life-form who lived not so far from
Guildford opened his eye`s and looked at the ceiling at the same
instance a fork of electricity short through the data-banks on his left
sides, his eyes opened onto a pink world,
His twin servo`s raised his ancient body from it`s ancient resting
place. Though his model number was old his processing power was far
superior to the organic life-form`s which were hurrying about their
way, studying their digital watches and wondering why they ever came
down from the tree`s in the first place. They didn`t see the electronic
monkey, it was an S.E.P., somebody elses problem. The monkey looked
on............
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Note 5.5 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 5 of 172
V8800::KUCHANNY "Bic's Back !!" 28 lines 9-OCT-1990 11:48
-< Deja VDU.... >-
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...The monkey thought to itself "%$££"!($&£"....
....Which even to its age-corrupted processors made little sense....
..the horse meanwhile was wondering if it would ever ghet a mention in
a story after it's brief role in a Douglas Adams novel....
...The organic lifeforms however continued to think that they were
the most inteligent form of life on their dingy little planet....
.....Meanwhile....
. . . . . . . .The RDHANK's digitised form watched
the count down...
10
9
8
7
6
....Then suddenty the message
-010- SESSION DISCONNECTED appeared on the VDU....
To Be Continued....
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Note 5.6 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 6 of 172
V8800::CASHAW 18 lines 9-OCT-1990 17:33
-< Second to none, I am the one >-
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The electronic monkey lurked in the shadows of J-BLOCK.
Out of the sky a white ship decended onto the forecourt and with a hum
a door flung open letting the light whitin it escape to freedom.
An alien stepped out and walked towards the electric monkey..
"Mr Monkey, You ARE a ...."
Out of the shadows stepped Mr RMHALL who sent a telepathic message
to the Aliens internal mailbox.
The alien shivered and retreated into the confines of the ship.
With a loud WHOPP the ship vanished, and so for that matter did Mr
Hall.
The electric monkey looked on and understood why the Alien was a
definite shade of pink........
**********************************************************************
Qualifications for reading this 'adventure????'
A degree in Hitchiking-------------------------------------------
**********************************************************************
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Note 5.7 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 7 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Denizen" 33 lines 9-OCT-1990 17:51
-< Back to the plot. >-
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Returning to our previously panic struck hank.....
Wondering to himself frantically as to the origin of Peter Jones voice
reading out obscure Douglas Adams jokes, he wrenched the storyline back
onto marginally less obscure themes.
Disconnected from the real world, and saved from imminent
randomisation, Hank counted his fortunes. By a curious cooincidencem,
the sum of these equalled his qualifications,i.e. none to speak of.
Hank opened the conveniently unmentioned door to his cell, and left
via a physically improbable route into a world of women, robots, women,
fast food joints, women, vector graphics, women and robotic women
outlined in vector graphics whilst serving fast food.
This, he assumed, was heaven. Unfortunately, robots, fast food, and
vector graphics cost money. So do certain types of favours, and Hank
was sadly dependant on a LEA grant, which prevented him from allowing
this story to degenerate further.
Taking his life into his hands, Hank stole a burger (almostly
exactly like an ordinary burger in the real world, but edible) and
further risking a strange and exotic death, ate it.
This was a mistake.
This is always a mistake, especially when the burger bar has a name
like "Jolly uncle freddies burger take-away". This one didn't , but
Hanks whole breakfast passed before his eyes, so he it might just as
well have.
Despite this unpromising start, Hank stepped out to explore this brave
new world, and was almost certainly detined to regret it.
*****************************
What happens next?
Who cares?
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Note 5.8 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 8 of 172
V8650::ICOLLINS 19 lines 12-OCT-1990 19:10
-< War of Worlds >-
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Hank found himself in J233, late for a lecture,
Is this a dream I hear you ask, or a computer generated hologram,
Well I can assure you that our Hero Hank thought the same thing. He
stood there hopeing that no one could hear his tummy rubble as he had
only had a burger all day. He decided to give himself up to the
Martions (Mars people), then he thought wrong story (War of the Worlds,
Jeff Wane anyone wants a copy let me know), he decided to give himself
up to the lecturer, he walked around the room......Slowly....Then the
lecturer turned round and said............................
============================================================
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Note 5.10 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 10 of 172
V8800::SWILLIAMS 5 lines 15-OCT-1990 14:17
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....There seemed no end to the machine gun fire, with the Ratoid
getting closer Hank grew more affraid, but out of the blue there
decended the Kettle plane piloted by Ualiman and his faithful companion
Herbal Remedy. They opened fire on the Ratoid splattering it's brains
along the courtyard. The Ratiod was no more....
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Note 5.12 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 12 of 172
V8800::KUCHANNY "Bic's Back !!" 11 lines 15-OCT-1990 17:13
-< Splunge.... >-
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as the pills started to affect Hank...He saw himmself in G219 tap
dancing with a strip-a-gram on the lecturers table....
...Who was he dancing with...
....Was there anyone else in the room...
...Find out next time...
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Note 5.15 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 15 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Bic's Back !!" 33 lines 16-OCT-1990 16:31
-< Technicolour Yawn Philosophy.... >-
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The Mutant Cockroaches sudddenly stopped about 1 meter from our
intrepid hero (!!!??) and the leader said in a vaguely Bristolian
accent
..."Could you tell me where the libary is I have an appointment
with Phil Race....?"
Hank stuttered "Wh..hu...hu...Wh..."
Slowly regained his composure, and said in a quiet voice
"I think you leave this building , go along to 'H' Block ,down the
stairs and it is the big brick building on the left..."
The cockroaches thanked Hank, whos brain was quietly gibbering again,
and left in a 'V' formation....
Hank reassesed the passed few hours of his life and hoped that
this was a deram, or else he was in deep trouble.....
...Meanwhile in G219, things were starting to crawl out of a old,
yellowing, fridge-freezer abanboned in a darkened corner of the lecture
theater.....
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Note 5.16 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 16 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Denizen" 12 lines 16-OCT-1990 16:34
-< ripoff. >-
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Suddenly, a great new God leapt out of the decaying fridge. It was -
The God Of Plagiarism......
Will the authors of this story die a horrifying aand messy death at the
hands of a minor deity? Will Bic learn to tell a coherent story? Will
someone finally explain to the Polytechnic that Learning resources
center is an idiotic name for a Library? Will this qualify as the
longest post script to a short story ever?
Who cares?
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Note 5.18 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 18 of 172
V8800::SWILLIAMS 9 lines 18-OCT-1990 13:14
-< THE RETURN OF UALIMAN. >-
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...Suddenly again out of nowhere Ualiman and his faithful sidekick
Herbal remedy came running to the rescue singing..
"Here I come to save the day".
(They survived the large mutated day-glo orange star-fish by
covering themselves with anti-mutated day-glo orange star-fish spray.)
Ualiman ripped out a 123==846½ large assault plasma doodaa rifle and
blew the socialist workers away.
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Note 5.20 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 20 of 172
V8800::SWILLIAMS 23 lines 18-OCT-1990 17:22
-< POW the Escape. >-
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For no apparent reason Hank threw himself to the ground, only to find
himself in the psychology block in Cardiff University.
Bewilderd, he looked around to find a small man shuffeling
into a lecture theatre. Hank ran after him, and asked
"What am I doing here?".
"You've probably fallen thru' some kind of trans warp field
displacement in time while being inside a computer."
Replied the small shuffeling man also known as Derek
"Are you sure?"
"Yes it happens quite a lot, especially around tea time on Tuesday"
Then the man called Derek faded away.
"How do I get out of this"
sighed Hank.
Suddenly there was a great flash of light and a man in a jumpsuit
appeared......
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Note 5.21 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 21 of 172
V8800::SWILLIAMS 34 lines 18-OCT-1990 17:36
-< Ualiman 2 >-
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It was Ualiman 2 and his sidekick Herbal Remedy 7 (the new blood).
"Have no fear Hank we shall save you!"
as Ualiman was saying this a giant Werelobster burst thru
the lift doors.
It ripped off the head of Herbal and started to go after Ualiman
"Oh gosh"
said Ualiman
"Before I'm eaten click your heals three times and repeat there's no
place like the vax station."
"Ok Uali."
click..
click...
click....
"There's no place like the vax station,there's no place like the vax
station".
the room started to spin
around it went,faster and faster, the colours in the rome started to
blurr
then darkness...
Hank opened his eyes and there sitting above him was his aunty Em,
uncle Pete and Slim and Jake.
"Aunty Em what happened and why is everything in black and white?"....
..........?
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Note 5.24 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 24 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 34 lines 24-OCT-1990 13:00
-< This is just not Hank's day... >-
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(*Any reference to actual persons living or dead is purely
coincidental, or that I can't come up with anything original myself*)
`Now look,' said Hank, amazed at the quotes surrounding his words,
`this just won't do. I intend to take a stand for complete order
and sense in this story. I mean,' he said, brushing the large purple
dragonfly from his nose, `how are people supposed to understand it.'
Hank had no sooner finished saying whatever it was he was saying
than there was a Teriffic explosion (Copyright Teriffic Stores Ltd.).
Stepping forth from the debris, if you could call a couple of broken
chairs and a broken Aunt Whatsername debris, came an extremely
impressive looking wizard. Well, he was extremely impressive looking
if you compared him to the other characters he faced.
`Now look guv,' said he in a (fairly) booming voice, `I don't know
what your game is, but I quite like the story as it is!'.
`Well, I think it's pretty wierd,' retorted Hank, `and I stand by
my opinion.'
With that the wizard (Bob) seemed to grow with rage. Swinging a
chair leg he......hang on, something's wrong.Oh, yes. Swinging his
staff, he struck poor Hank full in the face sending him A over T. If
this story has special effects(and a big budget), Hank would by now
have been spread quite thinly across the living room wall, his vertical
dimensions resembling a pathetic pancake. As it is, Hank will have to
make do with tumbling A over T, so no arguments.
Picking himself up, (NOT literally, be sensible!) Hank assessed the
situation. He could continue being the pawn of this malicious writer,
or he could shout `help' and hope another came along on the next
terminal.
`Help!' shouted Hank.......
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Note 5.25 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 25 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 18 lines 24-OCT-1990 13:06
-< One last try >-
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Help! shouted Hank.
Hey where are the quotes gone?
Help! shouted Hank once more...
IS ANYBODY LISTENING?
Help! shouted Hank.
* * **** * **** *
* * * * * * *
**** **** * **** * wrote Hank in stars on the wall.
* * * * *
* * **** * * *
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Note 5.26 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 26 of 172
V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 16 lines 24-OCT-1990 13:17
-< And suddenly its... >-
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A small figure appeared.
"Please, Hank, be patient," the figure said. "I am your fairney
godfather and will look after you at most times. I will appear to you
when I think you need me, otherwise will be nowhere to be found."
"So," he continued, "Wait patiently in the corner and something is
bound to happen. And if it doesn't, try this little sugarcube."
The figure gave Hank a sugarcube (well, what did you expect?) and
disappeared into thin air.
Hank looked at the sugarcube. "Well, there's no harm in it. Only
about 300 calories... ah, what the hell..."
He swallowed the cube...
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Note 5.27 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 27 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Young, Free And Insane...." 12 lines 24-OCT-1990 14:51
-< ...Do YOU Know What is going On !!!!... >-
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...And ended up on a field of Technicolor grass,
'WOW !' said Hank as a slowly rotating camel flew past 'Like, I can
understand System Architechture now !!!'......
...Then with an audible *Pop* he reappeared in the corner of the room
surrounded by a herd of Norrises...
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Note 5.28 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 28 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 19 lines 25-OCT-1990 08:51
-< 10,9,8,7,BANG! >-
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Ah, but these were no ordinary Norisses. Oh no. In fact, these
were very extraordinary Norisees. For, unknown to the casual bystander
(that's him over there, next to the tree), these Norisses were capable
of the most incredible feats.
Then, without any warning or even a two week notice, one of the
Norisses cast a glance at a nearby toad. The toad (Prince William to
his friends) was seen to grow visibly more green, gibbering nonsense.
Yes my friend, the Noris had cast it's McWherta spell; now the toad had
less than ten seconds to answer the question of `Who holds the world
record for domino toppling?'.
Risking a guess, the toad answered `King FarGuts?', and
consequently exploded, leaving behind only a small golden ring.
`Incredible!' exlaimed the casual bystander, and sidled off looking
for something as interesting, but less dangerous, to bystand.
Had he stayed, he would have witnessed the Noris examining the
golden ring.
`It says "ARGOS" Jeff...', said the Noris in wonderment.
`Well you know what that means then, don't you?'
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Note 5.29 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 29 of 172
V8800::MWARNETT "Dude with attitude" 9 lines 25-OCT-1990 11:38
-< Follow this, thrillseekers... >-
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"Yes", he replied. "As we all know, The mystical land of Argos is the
place where useless, expensive yuppie toys were rumoured to have formed
the government..they also stocked pointless pencils for marking the
order forms. These pencils were wondrous beasts, people would enter
with none and leave with thousands."
The wizard replied "This land is under attack from the villainous
kitchen cupboards of MFI. You must go and save them, you are the chosen
one. Oh, and by the way, have a pot noodle....""
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Note 5.30 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 30 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 62 lines 25-OCT-1990 12:22
-< `Great, really great. What do I do now?' >-
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`I'd love one Bob, but I don't happen to have any boiling water on
me (or a disposable sick bag) so I'm afraid I have to decline the
offer.'
No sooner had the Norris finished, than a note fell from the sky.
As it fell, sweet music played and the birds in the trees sang. A
rainbow formed over the wizard's head and a mist enveloped one end (the
one with the pot of gold). A figure stepped out, clothed in fine silk
and bedecked with wonderous jewels. The face of the figure was deeply
lined, and the troubled eyes looked at the Norris. It's lips mouthed
`Are you Jake Pstoopidname ?'
`No', replied the Norris.
`Damn, I've been looking for him for weeks. Have something for
him. '. He toyed with a beautifully decorated Halinium wand in his
hand, lovingly stroking it.
`Oh, Jake Pstoopidname!' cried the Norris, `I though you said
um....Jake Somethingelse. I'm Jake Pstoopidname.'
Holding out his hand, the Norris beckoned to the figure.`Got
something for me have you?'
`You bet!'
With amazing speed (and I mean really amazing speed. Compared to
this amazing speed, ordinary incredible speed seems slow. This was
amaaazingly fast. And some) the wand jumped out of the figure's hand,
expanding faster and faster until, at the highest point of it's
trajectory, it resembled a quite large wand (and by quite large, how
does twice the size of a quite big double decker bus sound ?).
In the second or so that the Norris experienced this phenomenon, he
was surprised to notice that the delicate looking wand that he had so
admired a few moments before looked quite heavy indeed, squashingly
heavy in fact.
The last thing anyone heard before the Norris was squashed was a
barely audible `wierd...'.
For a few minutes there was silence, but the figure could no longer
control himself. Letting out a deep breath, it collapsed upon the
floor, tears coming from it's eyes.
`Haw, haw. What a laugh! I just love that one, one of my
favourites.!'
In between laughing hysterically and wiping the tears from it's
eyes, the figure was heard to mumble things like `Oh, THAT Jake' and
`I'm Jake'. Eventually picking itself up, the figure dusted itself
down hurridly and, looking shame-faced, said `Sorry about that; time of
the month you know. Can't do anything about it. It won't happen
again, well it will, but you know....I just....'
Edging away, the figure pulled it's hood down over it's face and
turned away, embarrased. The last thing the second Norris heard was the
sound of muffled giggles coming in the figure's direction. Bob picked up the
note (remember that ?) and opened the fold. It read:
...........................................................................
THE ENTERTAINMENT PART OF THE WIZARD'S GUILD : JOKE-A-GRAM
If you want to nominate a friend for a joke-a-gram and know they have a
sense of humour, contact us immediately. We have a special tavern in
nearby SmallTown. We also do children's parties.
Thank you for your time.
............................................................................
`Well that's it then,'said the remaining Norris,` great. Really
great. What do I do now?'
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Note 5.31 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 31 of 172
V8800::MWARNETT "Dude with attitude" 9 lines 25-OCT-1990 12:51
-< Read this? >-
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Suddenly, a thought came to him.
Maybe none of this was actually occuring in the real world.
Could he have been moved to an alternative reality, where John Bonham
didn't die?
He had severe thoughts, contemplating his future. The wizard hadn't
existed so therefore ......
His train of thought was interrupted, a bright white light shone,
forcing him to close his eyes, just as a large blade swang towards his
head...
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Note 5.32 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 32 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 8 lines 25-OCT-1990 13:21
-< But I bet someone can... >-
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Oh, no! Now he realised. He was in the middle of a Wilkinson
Sword advert. How he got there he couldnt say, but now he was in deep
trouble. The blade continued its path and hit Norris.
Luckily, however, as it is told in the Old Tales, Wilkinson Sword
blades were not terribly sharp. In fact, all Norris got for all his
efforts of worrying was a grazed face. Dabbing his sleeve to his face,
he was utterly horrifies to see purple blood. He, for the life of him,
could not fathom this new twist.
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Note 5.33 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 33 of 172
V8800::MWARNETT "Dude with attitude" 7 lines 25-OCT-1990 13:24
-< Come on AJ, top this! >-
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Then a mass of liquid, perhaps water? threatened to sweep him away.
Norris tried bravely to swim, but landed straight into a large palm.
"Splash it on all over" he dimly heard.
Suddenly it dawned on him.
He had been transported into the Old Spice advert starring Henry
Cooper.
Just as he was about to hit a dark, bleak, faceless wall......
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Note 5.34 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 34 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 17 lines 25-OCT-1990 15:25
-< This >-
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....Hank turned up.
"Hey, Norris, what do you think you are doing in an old spice
advert? Come back at once!"
"Sorry, I dont know what came over me."
"Dont worry just say the magic word and all will be well."
"Ok", replied Norris and said "humungous""
In a flash of darkness, the two were transported into a different
reality, or should that be non-reality (depends where you are standing
really). The two stood about for several minutes in silence, before
Norris could no longer bear it.
"Are we there yet?"
"Where ?"
"THERE...where we were going when I said the magic word."
"Oh, no idea; its a bit dark in here isnt it?"
"I dont know, I cant see. Hang on Ill light a match."
Lighting a match they saw...
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Note 5.36 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 36 of 172
V8800::ICOLLINS "Ferrari Freak" 16 lines 25-OCT-1990 18:55
-< HH II ADVERTISMENT >-
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Now the thing which Hank did not reailise, was thet he was in a machine
and all this was going in in a small dimension. I know what you are
thinking we all know he is in the VAX, but no. He is still in the VAX
but in a small corner of it, a machine know only as ....
T H E P E P S I M A C H I N E
(SEE HH II@)
The film at the time was Electric Dreams, but backwards. Stranger and
Stranger thought Hank. Meanwhile Norris had put his brain into action.
This may not any good because at that time, when Norris put his brain
into action, he missed seeing the giant furry rodent comming there way.
Hank turned round.....................................................
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Note 5.37 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 37 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR 29 lines 26-OCT-1990 12:21
-< Bleeurgh! >-
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"Look!" cried Hank, pointing across the way.
Norris tried to, but his friend had already pushed him through a
large doorway. Unknown to both, the hamster was not chasing them, but
only sought refuge. It had heard tales of it's kind being squashed
in the nearby road, under mysterious circumstances. Not wanting to
merge so efficiently with the concrete, and being a typical coward at
heart, the hamster decided to seek a place of hiding. Now it watched
with interest, and not a little amusement as two rather strange looking
beings jumped down a chute.
"Aarrghhh!" cried Hank, unable to muster anything more original.
"ARRGHHH...HAITUNTUN!" he tried. That sounded better. Yes,
definately very original.
Before Hank had time to try out any more 'quite interesting but not
very useful' cries, the bottom of the chute decided to appear. Waiting
at the bottom of the chute was an award-winningly disgusting looking
cold drink. It was supposed to be Pepsi Cola, but even the most
imaginative soul could make no comparisons to a refreshing drink. In
fact, the best this imaginative person could come up with was 'Akin to
a pint of Guinness topped with blackcurrant jam, serving to take away
the taste of the multi-flavour gobstoppers submerged at the bottom'.
Which, I'm sure you'll agree, is not that inspiring.
"It was the best I could come up with." moaned the imaginative
person, "I mean, I didn't have much time."
Anyway, to cut a long paragraph short, the two fell straight into
the Pepsi/Guinness lookalike...
================================================================================
Note 5.42 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 42 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Dazed 'n' Confuzed" 19 lines 13-NOV-1990 17:07
-< There! (a bit easier to continue!) >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly, and all of a sudden, there was a flash of light.
FLASH! went the light.
Standing before Hank was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
She was stunning.
`Hello, I'm Stunning. Jamie Stunning. Pleased to meet you.'
Hank tried to mouth a reply, but was suffering from a severe case
of CooerlookatherohnoifIsaysomethingitwillcomeoutasgarbageitis.
`Stick your finger in your ear and pull back your eyelid,' said
Jamie.
Hank did so, and incredibly all the Norissi vanished. All except
one...
================================================================================
Note 5.45 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 45 of 172
V8800::OPTHOMPSO "Fear of..." 11 lines 20-NOV-1990 16:16
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They all followed, not even giving a second thought to the death that
had just occurred.
The drums stopped...
Hank looked very worried..the pigmie even more so..Sounds of battle
reached their ears, a few pigmie villagers crashed past them all,
obviously fleeing from something...
Out of the jungle came the "Killer take no prisoners, kill and maim,
attack force".....the elite Weeble Squad....
================================================================================
Note 5.46 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 46 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Dazed 'n' Confuzed" 28 lines 21-NOV-1990 11:40
-< To be continued... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ Imagination part :
There was a sort of a fight an'
stuff an' Hank was carried away
unconscious... ]
Hank opened his eyes.
It was morning Hank guessed. Guessed because he had never actually
seen morning, at least in the popular sense of the word. Late
night/early morning was Hank's scene. True morning to Hank was the
bit in between geting stoned and waking up, the bit you slept
through.
`Oh lordy, how beautiful!' Hank exclaimed, and his heart ached.
Almost as much as his head. Not wanting to be left out, his eyes
fuzzed into awareness...and wished they hadn't.
Standing before Hank were several irate looking Weebles.
Hank was surprised when they spoke to him in English.
`You rat-faced son of a bear-cheeked turtle!' swore the Chief.
Hank, joining in the spirit of the moment, responded with
`What? You son of an undescended potato!'
I didn't say that thought Hank. Well I did, but I didn't. Then he
realised...it was the Lord of the Moderators...
[LOW VOICE] : Dan Dan DAAHN!
...
================================================================================
Note 5.47 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 47 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 13 lines 4-DEC-1990 11:31
-< ______6 >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly( a few days later vax time) a voice spoke , it was a
turquoisey pink kind of voice, the kind of voice that makes you wish
that you were in an old spice advert again but without the toupe.
It was , in fact , the Vax , sorry ,the VAX .
"I wish my gender to be female before 1 o'clock and male
thereafter on every day apart from the 3rd,5th,12th and 35th Sundays of
each leap year where I wish to be called Rover.Otherwise call me'IT
'"It(?) said in a stream of green electrons.
It turned out that the Weebles were not they were genetically
engineered electrons mutated by an input of totally irrelevant
double-Dutch from a freak satelite transmition from Holland which had
been sent twice and reversed.
"What ?"Hank mumbled.
================================================================================
Note 5.48 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 48 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 34 lines 4-DEC-1990 13:12
-< And now for something completely the same. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The VAX mutated into a quivering blob of a purplish shade of the colour
blue (IQ of 3.1415926535 EXP 2001). HAL materialised, clobbered the VAX
once or twice, then vanished. A relative sense of normality returned.
Hank switched on a terminal, and logged on...
A strange message appeared....
To be followed by...
Hank was standing by a wall, with a hole in it, just large enough to
squeeze through. By this time he was getting angry. This was going too
far. A witch walked over. She seemed to be using a dragon as a handbag.
She suggested that Hank might like to visit the graveyard with a lion
statue she saw a while back. "It is somewhere in the gravedigger's
cottage" she called out, before dissapearing in a cloud of (User
Defined) smoke. Suddenly, in another dimension, a VAX was being
seriously reprogrammed with a large hammer. Hank was rapidly becoming
surrounded by Fraggles. Fortunately, he had his trusty Black & Decker.
Soon he escaped to a forest. This was a perfectly ordinary forest,
provided you ignored the shark that was swimming through. It began to
snow. A snowman formed, and started attacking the shark. Hank sat down
and began to burble.
"Don't worry" said a passing hobbit, "it could be worse!"
"How?" said Hank.
"Like this!" said the Hobbit.
Hank suddenly found himself in the middle of The Refectory. A tray,
with some "food" appeared in his hands, along with a note reading "Eat
At Own Risk".
Hank's hand mutated slightly, developing an (un)intelligence of it's own.
It started moving towards the food.......
================================================================================
Note 5.49 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 49 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 21 lines 4-DEC-1990 13:33
-< Oh no thought Hank. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Oh no", thought Hank.
His hand made a grab for the cauliflour cheese.
A chainsaw-wielding medic made a dash for him, slicing off the arm in
one fell swoop.
"Ouch!" thought/said Hank.
"Don't worry, we have a spare here" said the medic, leaning over to
where the meat was being sliced.
Picking up a spare hand from the plate of troll burgers (can't think
how it got there), he grabbed Hank's arm, the spare hand and a tube of
superglue IV, he quickly stuck two of these together with the third.
Having sucessfully glued the hand to the tube of superglue, he walked
off. Hank picked up the hand, and stuck it on himself, tube and all.
"That's better!" thought Hank.
One of the troll burgers started rocking. This wouldn't have been much
of a problem, but it had previously been eaten by the medic....
Hank put 10p in a Jukebox that had mysteriously appeared in front of
him. (It was actually the Pepsi Machine in disguise. It was bored of
staying there in the corner.) He meant to pick Led Zeppelin, but got
Timmy Mallet instead.
"Oh no", thought Hank.
================================================================================
Note 5.50 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 50 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 33 lines 4-DEC-1990 14:31
-< VAX 2 >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank quickly put another 50p into the jukebox(inflation!)but it
rejected the coin and gave him a cheese sandwich instead .He bit into
it and it started to play the birdie song so he put some ketchup in it
to make play a melody of Kylie Monogue's.
This was too much...
...he pulled a steamroller out of his pocket
and squashed the jukebox flat so that he could practise his origami on
it.He was good at it ,a black belt in fact,so he folded it into a
pheonix which flew up into the air and dissapeared.
Hank breathed a sigh of relief,
"Normality at last !" he sang.
FATE chuckled,and was twisted...
The pheonix returned and fried Hank,but Hank was
wearing his asbestos long-johns.He silently thanked his fairy
God-Mother and split into his multiple personalities.
"FREEEeee!" they shouted.
They were so happy that they started to dance around the
Maypole.Luckily Hank-1 hadn't forgot about the pheonix so he threw a
bucket of water at it which turned it into Bob Monkhouse who said:
"Well Starmakers,here's our next act ....
Vax,the IT computer type thing..."
The VAX appeared and ate Bob and half of the Hanks before one of them
turned it off...
================================================================================
Note 5.51 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 51 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 8 lines 4-DEC-1990 15:06
-< Help me help me! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With a fairly incredible KERZAMM, the hundreds of little Hankletts
flew together, leaving the universe reeling with shock. The mythical
AS400 of the Computer Department appeared, and said unto Hank......
Splurge!
================================================================================
Note 5.52 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 52 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 35 lines 4-DEC-1990 15:20
-< A Continuation. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(author's note:Sorry about that -had to logout due to call of nature.)
But Hank had forgotten to logout so he was trapped inside the VAX.His
other selves tried to turn the VAX back on but the switch had stuck.
Hank fought his way through the circuitry until he came to the keyboard
he climbed out only to discover that he was only a millionth of a
millimetre tall.After a ten day trek across the desk he managed to
hitch a lift off a passing brontosaurs.
"Wait a minute" he said,"Dinosaurs aren't this small!"
He got off the Bronto and went into the nearest Citizens Advice Bureau.
A female Tricerotops was sitting behind the desk sipping her coffee.
She answered his enquiries by lending him a children's history book
which explained that the Dinosaurs had discovered time-travel but it
had the side effect of shrinking them to the size of cells.At least,the
book said,it solves the population explosion.He asked where the time
machine was.
Following his directions Hank stopped before a shop called
Time Travel Ltd.He went in and asked to go back in time about 60
million years.He was put asleep and woke to find himself his proper
size,only that he was 60 m.y.before his time.He worked in a freak show
for a few years until he came across a mad scientist who claimed to
have discovered the secret of Cryogenic Sleep.Agreeing to be a test
subject he went to sleep for the next 60 m.y. and woke to be surrounded
by himself,or rather his other selves.
Suddenly the VAX crashed-----into a brick wall and exploded
into it's component parts which came to life.Hank-2 struggled with a
10,000 Ohm resistor which had grabbed around his neck.Hank-345,meanwhile,
was kicking the out of an 8-legged microchip.The components
rearranged themselves into the witch,carrying a dragon as a handbag.
The dragons name was Reginald...
================================================================================
Note 5.53 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 53 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 36 lines 4-DEC-1990 17:42
-< Out weirding the weirdos! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Failing totally to comprehend any of this, the God of Plagiarism
passed by.
He was on his way to a totally mythical coffeshop, where he
intended to have an improbable bun, and an unlikely cup of coffee.
Some time later, with this arduous task completed, he was seated at
his desk, with his pocket edition of the Oxford Dictionary of All Past,
Present, and Future Fiction (Condensed to the 500 page edition by an
editor who thought he was designing the new handy edition of the Hitch
Hikers Guide), and leafing over the pages regarding unnecessary long
contents of parentheses, he found the section he was looking for. He
started to make notes on a small pad of paper, using a quill pen soaked
in blood.
A little while later, Hank and his obnoxious friends (most of them
himself) were all zapped by a suspicious looking thunderbolt, and found
themselves in a deep dark hole, that looked unpleasantly like somthing
from a Speilberg film.
They waited.
A long time.
Four thousand years, 57 days 2 hours and 17.889 seconds
later......
They were still waiting.
But some time after, things started to get interesting in
unusual and painful ways.
Demonic Dave.
Never forget your a haddock.
================================================================================
Note 5.54 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 54 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 21 lines 5-DEC-1990 12:08
-< It's a hard life... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As they were waiting a haddock came along and ate them.Suddenly
the events from Note 5.51 caught up with them and they were reunited
into one great personality that just happened to look like a Small Lump
Of Grey Stuff.The Small Lump Of Grey Stuff reacted in an 'Alien' type of
fashion , bursting out of the haddocks insides.All the black
nothingness around them was splattered with lemon curd while the Small
Lump Of Grey Stuff(S.L.O.G.S) swam (?) away.
SLOGS swam and swam and swam for days and days until he came upon
a door of somethingness in this world of nothingness.He opened it and
ran (?) outside.All of a sudden there was an almighty rumble and the
ground shook , a searing hot blast of air hit SLOGS in the back ,
propelling him over the edge of a cliff.
Reginald felt a tickle in the back of his throat so he coughed
until he managed to spit out a small lump of grey stuff onto the floor
of the Number 14 bus from Grimsby.
As people got off the bus SLOGS was kicked up into the air and out
of the bus window to land in a bag of white powder in a basket.He was
unconscious so he didn't feel being added to a mixture of the white
powder,water and other ingredients.He was then well mixed and baked in
an oven at gas mark 4 for 2hrs.
The God of Plagiarism ordered his bun an coffee...
================================================================================
Note 5.55 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 55 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 20 lines 5-DEC-1990 12:28
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bun and coffee arrived. Or, at least, a strange, baked blob, and an
unidentified chemical in a mug arrived. An idea hit him. He hit back.
"They are nasty at this time of year" said a purple squid, sitting at
the next table.
Throwing the blob into the strange, bubbling liquid, the God of
Plagarism stormed off. There wasn't a single line he could rip-off
here.
The blob changed into Hank.
"Phew!" He said. "That was getting nasty!"
Suddenly, the God of Plagarism returned with a liquid lunch, an elastic
band and a few other gadgets he couldn't remember the name of.
Distorting the space/time/credibility contimuum to it's extreme in one
swift motion of his left thumb, he managed to create an exact duplicate
of an experiment he had been reading about a few weeks earlier.
This was getting out of hand, Hank thought.
Yes, thought Hank 2.
I agree, replied Hank 3.
About twenty, newly immortalised Hanks suddenly sprung out of his left
ear.
================================================================================
Note 5.56 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 56 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 10 lines 6-DEC-1990 12:28
-< Black Reavers live O.Click >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly, Hank number 302 metamorphisised into a big, black figure with
a big, black battleaxe and red eyes, and looking decidedly unfriendly.
The figure walked towards the nearest Hank.
Click...Click...Click...
================================================================================
Note 5.57 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 57 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 53 lines 7-DEC-1990 14:33
-< Vax is back... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But it wasn't a battleaxe it was a camera in disguise.Did you
think it was Death ? Well hard luck , it's worse...
It's a SUN reporter.FATE intervened,
"This is going too far " he said.
"Excuse me" said Hank-47.4,"But why is your name in CAPITALS ?"
"Dunno . Suppose it comes with the job . Still makes me more
important than everyone else.Even the God of Plagiarism is partly
lower-caste."
"INFIDEL!!!!" Screamed a voice."I'M NOT ONLY UPPER-CASTE IN
NAME BUT I SPEAK IT AS WELL."
It was Death,Sorry, DEATH.
DEATH looked at the Sun reporter and seemed to shrink into himself.
"Wow, Great " the sun reporter said."I can just see the front page :
Death Dealing Dude Dreams Dirty Dreams..."
DEATH reached into his inside pocket and brought out a combined
harvester.
"What's the matter ? Never heard of progression ?" he asked
sarcastically.
The combined harvester turned out to be the VAX again,and
again,and again,and again.....
Meanwhile the Sun reporter had spontaneously combusted.
Each of the VAXes attacked a Hank.The battle continued for a few
millenia until DEATH got bored and turned them all into God's of
Plagiarism.They sat down to have a bun and coffee...
================================================================================
Note 5.58 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 58 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 17 lines 10-DEC-1990 10:07
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A second Black Reaver appeared. This one looked even nastier than the
first. DEATH looked nervous. This meant more work for him. FATE was
upset. (Black Reavers can - and do - walk though just about anything
without even flinching. This could upset his plans.) WAR,hoever, was
utterly terrified. This was NOT going to be his day.
The Black Reaver walked through the VAX (after slicing it into small
slivers of metal). He walked through D-Block (now missing several
walls). He even ventured into J-Block, before suffering his first
setback. Thousands of immortal Hanks were waitingfor him. Even a
demigod can have an off-day.
The Black Reaver was not going to be put off. Swinging his battle-axe,
he sliced 50 Hanks in half with one mighty blow. These, however, regrew
into full Hanks. This upset him slightly. Taking out a cheese grater,
the hundred Hanks were rapidly reduced to powder... each speck
regrowing into a full Hank within seconds......
================================================================================
Note 5.59 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 59 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 36 lines 10-DEC-1990 13:21
-< Down in the dumps. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All of a sudden it came to him,he reached out to grab the nearest
Hank.He took Hank's foot and fed it into Hank's mouth,followed by his
other foot,his legs and body until Hank had eaten himself.The other
Hank's stepped back in alarm as the B.R. did the same to more of them.
The B.R. was down to the last two Hank's when all of a sudden England
won the second test against the West Indies.One of the Hank's was drawn
into this train of thought while the others faded into a distant
sunset.
Hank cheered as England declared at 500,000 for 1 and was surprised
when their star batsman walked up to him.He was even more surprised
when the batsman took off his helmet.
"Norris!"he cried "what are you doing here?"
Norris shook his head and passed him a note :
Hank,
Sorry I can't talk but I ate a British Rail sandwhich that
dissolved my tongue Stop Always wanted to be a great
cricketer Stop Lovely weather here Stop
Norris
The telegram was dated 43 B.C from the Moon.
Hank was greatly distressed,in fact he was suicidal.He reached into
his pocket and pulled out a thermonuclear bomb which he detonated...
================================================================================
Note 5.60 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 60 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 14 lines 10-DEC-1990 14:25
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPLUTT!
"That's the last time I go to the Army Reject Shop", thought Hank.
Then Hank felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Norris running
off down a corridor.
"Oi Norris", called Hank, "know a good plumber?".
Norris mumbled something about 'behind him'. Hank looked round into the
eyes of the B.R. carrying, not a battleaxe, (it was in his back
pocket), but a big bag, and a big, black spanner.
"Good service round here", said Hank.
================================================================================
Note 5.61 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 61 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 14 lines 10-DEC-1990 14:29
-< Hank gets cross! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...quite unsuccessfully. In fact, if Hank hadn't have jumped ten
feet into the air, you'd swear nothing was wrong. Winston knew better
though. Actually, Winston was intrigued and wondered why the stars
Norris had turned up. Funnily enough, Norris was also wondering why
Norris had turned up. Gathering his thoughts he said `Um...'
`This had better be good!' warned Hank waving his finger at Norris.
When this met with no response (if looking sheepishly at the ground can
be described as no response) Hank decided to glare sternly at Norris.
Hank glared sternly at Norris. Very sternly.
`Is not my fault,' complained Norris `You see...'
================================================================================
Note 5.62 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 62 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 10 lines 10-DEC-1990 14:32
-< Parallel tales >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STOP! STOP!
The storyteller thought. Hang on, shouldn't the last note be one
place back so the story makes sense? Yeah, sure it should. There must
be another who got in first!
`Ho! I challenge you to a duel!'
================================================================================
Note 5.63 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 63 of 172
V8800::MWARNETT "Underground, overground" 2 lines 10-DEC-1990 14:34
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AJTAYLOR got his notes mixed up due to an unfortunate accident with a
lemon grinder...
================================================================================
Note 5.64 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 64 of 172
V8650::ARGDANIEL "You Take Uzi!!!" 9 lines 10-DEC-1990 14:46
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CRASH!!!!!
The two improbable parallel universes suddenly collided.
Creating in the energy give off a bowl of petunias, and a sperm whale,
the petunias said 'O no not again'.
The Sperm whale said......
================================================================================
Note 5.65 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 65 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 8 lines 10-DEC-1990 14:50
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SPLUTT!
Click... Click...Click.
================================================================================
Note 5.66 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 66 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 11 lines 10-DEC-1990 17:18
-< DEATH revisited >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FATE was sitting at home reading War and Peace at different angles
when he felt reality being warped.
""he exploded "not the petunias again!"
DEATH meanwhile was relaxing on a couch.
"So," said a calm voice, "tell me about your mother"
DEATH was just about to answer when he too felt reality being
twisted.His pretty psychologist (who he had lusted after all through
his therapy sessions) promptly turned into a doormat.
This time DEATH was really angry,so angry that the B.R. ceased to
exist,angry enough to miss an episode of Neighbours.Before anyone could
stop him he complained to Points of View...
================================================================================
Note 5.67 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 67 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 14 lines 10-DEC-1990 17:35
-< Merry Christmas (hic!) and a Harpy Neew Yearh! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But Hank wasn't having any of this! Oh, no! Being a pretty
straightforward guy, Hank felt he had to have his say. `Now look, if
you are all just going to ignore me I'll just b***er off home. I
mean...'
Hank would have liked to have finished his outburst, but was
stopped by Norris' grief stricken expression. Hank looked sourly at
him.
`Look Norris, there's no need looking at me like that!'
`Ug...'
`Stop messing about, I'm sorry. Cheer up for Klatch's sake!'
Norris thought it time to confess.
`Hank...I did something you won't like very much...'
================================================================================
Note 5.68 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 68 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 31 lines 11-DEC-1990 13:46
-< The Immortals Live! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know those shops that keep appearing out of nowhere and vanish
almost overnight?"
"Yes"
"Well, I bought something from one of them. This."
Norris gave Hank a large wooden chest.....
The chest decided it didn't like Hank, and ate him.
This was alright, because (Hank being immortal) he didn't mind too
much.
Hank climbed out again.
"One of THOSE shops!"
"Yes"
"THAT luggage!"
"Yes"
The Black Reaver also climbed out.
Click... Click... Click...
The lightswitch refused to work.
Click... Click... Click...
Norris realised the noise wasn't from the lightswitch at all, but from
a 12' indestructable plumber carrying a 6' double-bladed battle-axe.
To make matters worse, the VAX also climbed out.
"Oh no!" shouted Norris, "A sapient pearwood VAX!"
Death, Fate, War and Pestilence, along with 200 white rabbits, closely
followed by a dwarf mage Plaus Dnailus shouting "Attack, but not a
lot!" invaded the room.
Hank, Norris, Luggage and the VAX made their getaway through a wormhole
in space that appeared for no readily apparent reason (other than the
author wanted one).
================================================================================
Note 5.69 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 69 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 16 lines 11-DEC-1990 14:00
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They appeared inside J-Block. (They knew this, from the large number of
people standing around, waiting for a terminal). The VAX rushed
downstairs to see why it wasn't working. Realising that this was
probably because it was a large, walking block of wood, it promptly
crashed and fell over.
Hank and Norris made for the SU, where they reckoned they were safe.
(Death, after all, doesn't have a valid union card). The luggage
followed. A large lorry, packed with boxes of crisps was parked nearby.
The luggage decided to follow that instead.
The God of Plagarism looked on, and was happy. This was just as he
liked.
His brother, Xerox, also looked on. Soon, there were lots of bits of
luggage, all eating crisps.
================================================================================
Note 5.70 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 70 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 20 lines 11-DEC-1990 17:37
-< Jingle bells >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nearby, a figure watched from the shadows. It was watching the God
of Plagiarism. This is my only chance it thought, and made its way
over to the God...
Hank was halfway through a packet of crisps when a hand tapped him
on the shoulder. Imagine if you will, the expression of a rabbit
turning round and looking into the eyes of a wolf. Know then, Hank's
expression as he turned round ( without the ears ). Hank looked upon
of of the most dangerous beings of all...a one foot fist...attached to
an eight foot leprechaun...with a bad temper.
Ok, anything eight foot and with a bad temper is bad news, but
leprechauns were especially bad news. You see, leprechauns have a
vicious sense of humour, and go easy on the humour. Cruelty was their
bit.
`Ha, you!' smirked the leprechaun,` midget!'
A huge fist lifted Hank above the ground.
`I won you to do a favour fer me...'
================================================================================
Note 5.71 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 71 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 19 lines 13-DEC-1990 11:38
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whilst all this was giong on, in a parallel plane (no, not TWA) Nexus,
Father of Gods (and "slightly" mad to go with it), decided to have some
fun.
Unfortunately, for J-Block, Nexus picked that as a good place to start.
Fortunately, being mad, he didn't realise he was a god, nor what his
powers were.
Unfortunately, that didn't stop some very strange monsters to appear.
(Strange in the sense that not many monsters are purple, with green
spots.) Roy G. Biv, the mad scientist materialised.
"Stop that!" he said. "Only I am allowed to affect the colours of
cretures."
Nexus turned an interesting shade of octarine.
Suddenly, Hank appeared......
================================================================================
Note 5.72 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 72 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Knight in Blue Denim...." 17 lines 13-DEC-1990 11:48
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile in a Parallel dimension there were strange goings on in the
depths of time and space, Bic of the P'per m'tes was monitoring
electromagnetic emissions from an insignificant area of the galxay
inhabited by Bipedial Apes, in paticular the third planet in the Sol
system, in the region of Wales.....
Bic suddenly screamed as the translations of the transmissions were
printed out...
...POWCON had be activated again !!!!
================================================================================
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V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 21 lines 13-DEC-1990 12:49
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nexus wandered over to Powcon. (Being a god, this was fairly easy.)
"Hello" he said.
Powcon remained silent.
"That isn't very nice" said Nexus.
Powcon mutated slightly into an intelligent program.
"That's pretty" said Nexus, and wandered off.
In another world, Hank was now a delicate shade of orange with
ultra-violet blotches. The VAX (still made of sapient pearwood) was
green with yellow stripes, but still crashed regularly. Cups of
infra-red coffee floated around.
Nexus walked in.
Things suddenly got a great deal worse....
Norris, some tribbles and Paulus Danielus materialised in a bowl of
blue tomato soup. Indigo Rabbits flooded the room.
Hank suddenly remembered what he had to do..........
================================================================================
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V8800::CALLEN 1 line 13-DEC-1990 13:07
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get away from the luggage.
================================================================================
Note 5.75 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 75 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Dashing thru' the snow" 33 lines 17-DEC-1990 10:40
-< vacation >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Without warning, reality remembered Hank. I wonder, thought
reality, if leprechauns eat people.
As a matter of fact, coincidently, and as it happens, Hank was also
wondering the same thing. Of course, Hank happened to be in the
unforunate position of looking up the nostrils of such a creature.
`I won you do me a favour' repeated the leprechaun in the same
menacing `laugh at my voice and die early' tone.
`Sure'
Five minutes elapsed.
`Um...what?'
`You must journey to the other side of the world on a quest'
The god of plagiarism smirked and dunked a doughnut into his
coffee.
`Uh, this quest. Does it involve...how shall I put it...'
`Danger?'
`Thats the word' said Hank sourly.
`Of course. Much fun.'
...............
`Come on Norris!' cried Hank.
`Oh very nice, just great. A nice holiday, a welcome
break...LOOKING FOR GARD DEATHTOALL!!!!'
`Look, it may not be too bad.'
`Oh no. Of course. With a name like Deathtoall, the guy probably
works in a monestry. I bet he is a saint.'
`Stop complaining!'
In fact, Gard did work in a monestry - sacrificing people - part
time. It was his hobby you see...
================================================================================
Note 5.76 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 76 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Knight in Blue Denim...." 10 lines 7-JAN-1991 10:56
-< Woof >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile on a small VaxNode far far away...
on an astral plane that was never meant to fly...
...At this point the God of Plagarism ordered another coffee...
...Dougal the Mop Dog was reawakened from his Million CPU Minute
sleep....
================================================================================
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V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 2 lines 7-JAN-1991 11:10
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A passing god noticed that the two alternative realities were on a
collision course, and due to collide in 3 notes time (give or take).
================================================================================
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V8800::CALLEN 43 lines 7-JAN-1991 13:33
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebedee arrived...
Boinggggggg......
After Dougal recovered conciousness, he said "Stop doing that!"
Florence of nowhere in particular walked over.
"The magic roundabout is really a flying saucer!"
"Look, there is the cup, just in time to save the universe from more of
us turning up"
Dillon hopped over.
"Oh well...." sighed Ermintrude, passing by.
Brian and Mr MacHinery were zapped by the alien cup.
Meanwhile, in another universe, Nexus walked into a small junk shop.
In yet another plane, Mr. Benn walked into a clothes shop. The
shopkeeper appeared.
"I want to be an IBM/370" one of him said.
(He had accidently walked passed a xerox machine)
"I want to be a lumberjack" said another
A python (called monty) killed him quickly.
"Step this way" said the shopkeeper.
The luggage looked at the shopkeeper Hungrily....
"...Errr..Walk this way..Um...Sir..."Said the shopkeeper Hurridly....
Another customer walked in.
The shopkeeper gave him the "crisps" outfit.
A little while later, Heinz walked in, demanding to know why all the
capital H's had been nicked from his alphabet soup dragon.
================================================================================
Note 5.79 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 79 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 16 lines 7-JAN-1991 13:44
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nexus walked out of the cup.
"That was fun!" he said.
"Oh look! Pretty lights" he commented as Dougal got zapped by the cup.
The clangers walked over.
"Reality is breaking down" commented a passing zebra.
A maintenance bot walked over. "Well, we can't fit you in this week, I
am afraid. Anyway, in order to repair the fabric of reality, I will
need to demolish most of your brain (and the entire solar system), and
charge you a large sum of money."
================================================================================
Note 5.80 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 80 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 6 lines 7-JAN-1991 13:55
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Penfold, Dangermouse's faithful assistant (Tea-Maker!!)
wandered past a certain mailbox(Outside Ponty Rail-Station)...
"Oh Carrots, I'm lost again" he said as the Luggage snapped at a
passing traffic warden....
================================================================================
Note 5.81 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 81 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 12 lines 7-JAN-1991 13:58
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The realities crashed together with a SPLATT.
The VAX fell over from the shock waves.
A disk pack whirred with a....
Click... Click... Click...
Penfold, Dangermouse, a Soup Dragon, Hank, Norris, Dougal and Nexus all
landed close to J254.
Everyone else landed in the Refectory before dying of food poisoning.
================================================================================
Note 5.82 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 82 of 172
V8800::OPTHOMPSO "Fear of..." 17 lines 7-JAN-1991 14:40
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When they came to...did i forget to tell you they were
unconcious...Hank sat up slowly,stood then relieved himself against the
VAX. Suddenly he burst into song..song didn't like him bursting, so he
hit him with a Red Hot Someone Peppery things song...
It hurt like hell..hell didn't mind.
"When I wake up in the morning, she greets me where I lay,
I look outside to find, that it's a bright and sunny day,
So seren...". The singing had stoppped as suddenly as it had
started, Danger mouse had shoved two fingers up Hanks nostrils.
They both stared in amazement....The Soup Dragon was dancing around
shouting,as best it could,"I'm a VAX, a VAX, an' thats a FAX" repeating
it over and over. A zombie apeared fired off it's yellow flower and
died. Nothing happened... Absolutely nothing to give him exact title,
anyway he or her or it happened along.
Hank shaked in his boots, luckily he had remembered them, what
could be done?
He.....
================================================================================
Note 5.83 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 83 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 12 lines 7-JAN-1991 18:21
-< [] >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gard, of the `Amateuer Sacrifice Club', paused. He looked down and
noticed his foot had also paused and now hung in mid-air as if unable
to decide its destination. Ignoring his foot for a moment, Gard
concentrated on turning his head around slowly in the time honoured
tradition of someone very conscious of something behinf them. His eyes
tried to help by attempting to get there first.
`Oh oh...'
================================================================================
Note 5.84 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 84 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 7 lines 7-JAN-1991 18:22
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suddenly, reality returned.
... looked through the door, and quietly walked off...
Dangermouse and Penfold set about foiling Baron Greenback's latest plot
to write Sim City for the VAX, whilst the rest went over to the Common
Room to join the God of Plagarism (who was running out of coffee).
================================================================================
Note 5.85 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 85 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 21 lines 8-JAN-1991 17:43
-< Whilst reading this whistle slightly for sound FX >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gard stood facing a one legged man. He was five feet tall and one
foot short. Gard found this quite disturbing.
'Hello', he ventured , ' I am Gard.'
The man responded by handing him a piece of parchment, shrugging at
Gard's incredulous look. Gard read it slowly and when he had
finished returned the parchment.
'But I dont even know anyone called Hankh!' he protested.'Let me get
this right. You want me to open up my winter home early and lie in
wait for someone I dont even know and kill him!'
'This man happens to threaten you. He opposes the sacrificing of
innocents and has vowed to end the lives of those who practice such
things.'
Gard considered this for a moment. 'But what do I get from this...
apart from job satisfaction.' he added.
'Job satisfaction.' replied the man and turned away to walk down
the hill.
Gard raised his hand in protest but caught himself from shouting
out. Oh well, he thought, I could do with a break.
================================================================================
Note 5.86 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 86 of 172
V8800::TRRICHARD "PC-WIZ!" 7 lines 8-JAN-1991 17:55
-< The Cat's Back.... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cat who walks through conferences wandered into the Sprawling mass
of the Interactive zone, Sniffed disdainfully at the Luggage and
wandered off in the general direction of the Soc Sci conf....
================================================================================
Note 5.87 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 87 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 4 lines 8-JAN-1991 21:39
-< His name is Pixel... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where he took over the minds of otherwise innocent students, and
violently forced them to consider the meanings of Life, The Universe,
and Everything in the Christianity topic...
================================================================================
Note 5.88 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 88 of 172
V8800::GDMORGAN 18 lines 9-JAN-1991 12:42
-< Pixel gets hip... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While the students were considering the questions, Pixel took a
walkman out of his pocket.He switched on a Mission tape.
A strange brightly coloured individual walked into the room,which had
become J233.He asked if anyone knew where Andrew Eldritch was.Pixel looked
suprised, while the strange brightly colouredindividual (S.B.C.I.) started
to give a lecture titled 'Sigue SigueSputnik were talented really
...honest'.
The students now unconcered with the meaning of life told the
S.B.C.I. to go away and make babies.
A pepsi machine walked in, looked around and the started to
change shape .
Marvin said 'sorry about that I thought this was the hedgehog 2'.
================================================================================
Note 5.89 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 89 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 44 lines 9-JAN-1991 12:49
-< Hankh - more pack >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank set off on his journey, followed obediently by Norris. Norris
had little choice but to offer his services to his fine friend Hank,
and wasn't even bothered by the obscene amount of gold that the
leprechaun had promised they would find. Norris was `quite welcome to
come', as Hank had said patting him on the back and telling of how he
would never go without his friend Norris. It was fortunate indeed
then, that Norris had visited Hank the night before the expedition to
talk of the adventure the following day. He found Hank creeping
through the garden with a rucksack over his shoulder and looking very
nervously about. Hank explained how he intended to call Norris that
very night to get an early start.`Well its lucky I happened along,' he
told Hank,`you were going the wrong way.'
Norris looked ahead of him at Hank, who trudged up the sloping path
that led away from their home town. His friend had not said a word
since they began their journey.
`Have I said something?' he asked Hank.
`No'
`Well you seem a bit aggrovated.'
Norris slung his sack over his shoulder and carried on. He stopped
when he caught Hank's quick glance at him.`Look there is something
bothering you. I can tell.'
Hank looked at Norris and purposely stared at Norris' shoulder. He
heaved his sack over his back and continued walking.
`Its my sack isnt it?'
Hank looked at him is disgust. Norris carried a sack containing
one small box for his toothbrush in contrast to Hank's own shoulder
killing luggage.`Why did you bother with a sack? You could have just
carried your box in your hand...unless you plan to bring something
back.'
Hank looked at him sternly.
`Its my lucky sack. I may need it...for a pillow you see, or for
sleeping in.' replied Norris and added `Just because its bigger than
yours!'
With that, he stormed off in front and was quickly out of sight.
Ten minutes later Hank found him sitting by the roadside at a
crossroads. His mood was no better and he gave Hank a dirty look when
his friend laughed slightly upon reaching him.
`Its this way. Come on.'
================================================================================
Note 5.90 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 90 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 3 lines 9-JAN-1991 12:56
-< Help me, Help me! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought aggrovated was what you did to soil.
Or is that rotovated?
================================================================================
Note 5.91 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 91 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 40 lines 9-JAN-1991 13:12
-< Things cant get any worse... ...oh yes? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, the cat (simultaneously alive, dead and looking silly), was
being eaten by a non-adult abnormal karate hedgehog, who had been
squashing cars on the A470 by jumping on them.
Of course, this created quite a traffic jam, holding up the convoy of
cartoon characters already late for the annual excursion.
At the poly, Hank realised that he was now sober. Quickly, he ran to
the forest - only to find that he had been beaten to the kegs in the
celler by "ciB". Already two thirds empty, the last remaining keg was
somewhat lighter than usual. Quickly he wondered where the nearest
alcohol was (with the exception of the air in the room) within a
radius of 50 miles. After all, it was only 10:12.5317 am. (Good watch!)
(Powered by alcohol vapour, it was running slightly faster than usual,
and turned out to be 0.000001 seconds fast, which caused real
problems!)
Only one in existance - going cheep (new alarm tones incorporated)
Nearly New! (Honest!) As worn by King Arfur!
Hank had an idea, then promptly discarded it.
(It was the 2 of clubs, and you have to follow suit in this game!)
The luggage also had a 2, ditto the B.R. Death still couldn't play (he
had forgotten the rules) but War and Pestilence both put in aces.
Rincewind and Twoflower threw in their hands (they weren't sure what
the game was), followed by arms and legs.
Unfortunately, the luggage thought this was dinner, but ate them
anyway. (Including table, cards, War, Death etc.)
Except Hank. Who had fed luggage earler with some crisps, (Lightly sea
salted) and some cream cheese. So the luggage knew to stay clear, at
the risk of contracting salmonella and .45 woodworm (a high calibre
bookworm!)(of course, wielded by Sal Mon-Ella, the fearless pilot of the
alien cup) - contracts being very expensive, at 2 shillings. Which is
quite difficult to get hold of. Except if you look down the side of any
three pice suite handy.
================================================================================
Note 5.92 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 92 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 1 line 9-JAN-1991 13:14
-< yes >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank's next hallucination...
================================================================================
Note 5.93 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 93 of 172
V8800::PWILLIAM 6 lines 10-JAN-1991 10:00
-< ...... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile in another universe....
....a butterfly died.
================================================================================
Note 5.94 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 94 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Knight in Blue Denim...." 9 lines 10-JAN-1991 10:10
-< Surreal Estate... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...The butteflies liefless body drifted slowly to the ground, wherepon
a small green thing named Pete, noticed it in his path...
...Pete examined the body carefully...
...No marks told how this unfortunate creature had died and Pete
decided to take the butterfly to a nearby brook....
================================================================================
Note 5.95 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 95 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 6 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:14
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Next to the brook was a trap door. Next to this was a plasticine skull
shouting some obscure words that there is no point in retelling. Pete
walked over to the trap door and opened it. Or rather it opened for
him.
================================================================================
Note 5.96 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 96 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 12 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:19
-< Help me I am Mad(ish). >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At this point, Her Majesties Inspectorate Of Silly Stories placed a
ban on Intermediate to long range surreal twists in the plot.
"Give us back our Herring" shouted massed crowds, surrounded by
regenerated clones of Hank and the Norris.
Bowing to public demand, an elderly bicycle retired to spend more
time with its family.
Reality will resumed as soon as.....Oh my God of
Plagiarism!!!!
================================================================================
Note 5.97 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 97 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 6 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:23
-< Its big and Horrible and after me! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TRRICHARD created the clones using the lid of a biscuit tin, in
evil genetic experiments. I justthought you ought to know that...
================================================================================
Note 5.98 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 98 of 172
V8800::TRRICHARD "PC-WIZ!" 26 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:26
-< Tim Can't Take It.... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
================================================================================
Note 5.97 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 97 of 97
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Oh No its not" 20 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:20
-< Help me I'm schizophrenic.... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a faraway universe another trap door opened....
...Pete looked in and noticed Hank and Norris in the midst of a GAME OF
GO...
"How are your pieces Hank ?"
"Mine are OK Norris me old mucka...."
"Thats good...Hey whats that small green thing staring out of that
trap door....???"
(Ok - It is the only way I could get Pete into this 'Story'...)
...Meanwhile unnoticed by any of the characters in the story, except
for an aged hippy who had taken too much LSD...
...The butterflies body glowed and mutated into the form of...
================================================================================
Note 5.99 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 99 of 172
V8800::GDMORGAN 10 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:33
-< c'mon guys why can't we give marvin a part. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
..... Marvin who was still looking confused.
He walked up to Hank and said "excuse me but do you know what
conference this is ...??"
================================================================================
Note 5.100 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 100 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 10 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:35
-< Cib >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...The form of the butterfly mutated into the forms of Demon Dave Minter,
a small-time VAX Hacker, Tim 'PC-Wiz (Or should that be BLOW ?'
Richards, and Mark Brakes...
...But as this was an LSD-Induced halucination the butterfly merely
wavered slightly and fell to the ceiling.....
================================================================================
Note 5.101 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 101 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 6 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:35
-< Take this! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At this moment in time, John "Flashman, ask me why"
Kuchannigetkdunpronounceable attempted to arrest the flow of the story
with some semi-libellous comments about my regal person.
Retaliation was imminent.
================================================================================
Note 5.102 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 102 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 3 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:39
-< Mutant Butterflies >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actually, the mutating butterfly was an effect of a trans-dimensional
warp being used in the immediate vicinity. After all, if there was no
alcohol, Hank had to power his watch by something.
================================================================================
Note 5.103 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 103 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 14 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:42
-< So Paranoid I think I'm out to get YOU! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a desperate bid to reassert normality, the Drug induced
butterfly, Hank , a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri and The
Pepsi machine which had escaped from the now defunct Hedgehog topic
(It is dead, it is no more, it is an ex-topic...) and vigorously
attempted to rip Johns brain out through his nostrils. For some reason
they found this difficult (Dunno why, plenty of room...oh yeah, no
necessary object) and turned their attention to the shabby coat that he
always wore. This too proved unusually difficult, when it turned on
them, and tried to eat Hank. The others left on the Bus for whatever
Warped plane of existence they came from...
John Day where are you when we could enjoy a lettuce sandwhich
without you?
================================================================================
Note 5.104 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 104 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 5 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:45
-< I am Lying. Now prove me wrong. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the way John, if we pull the cord on the back of your jacket, do
you turn into a rubber life raft?
The Pepsi machine has taken over my brain!
================================================================================
Note 5.105 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 105 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 32 lines 10-JAN-1991 12:03
-< Help Help I'm being reposessed...Haven't I done that one.... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
================================================================================
Note 5.105 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 105 of 108
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 26 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:48
-< Help, Help I'm being repossesed.... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demon Daves meanderings had spread to the Interactive zone...
"If the universe as we percieve it is false, then how can the
Polytechnics existance be explaned..."
...These meanderings continued to expand until the weight of his
contradictions expanded to form a freak worm-hole in the Space-Time-VAX
continum....
A snatch of sound emanated through the worm-hole...
"...Everybody's doing a brand new thing now..."
..Daves sweatshirt simultaneously obtained conciousness and throttled
Dave before the rest of the universe underwent spontaneous Tax-Evasion...
Meanwhile on a fractal-generated landscape somewhere in John
'Traveller' Day's PC, a system generated lifeform V'GER started to
to explore the polar regions of this semi-fictional existance....
================================================================================
Note 5.106 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 106 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 12 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:52
-< Crash! Tim creates new life! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just as I was choking my last breath, the VAX passed through the
event horizon next to one of the Poly Doughnuts.
It reappeared somewhere near Basingstoke, on a roundabout that
didn't exist, and exploded due to the simple incomprehensibility of it.
The dreaded roundabout was never seen again, but pieces of the
sweater are now believed to have been worshipped by our early
ancestors. Not very enthusiastically, though. They called them Neil.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARgh.
================================================================================
Note 5.107 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 107 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 12 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:58
-< Or is He...... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Travelling at roughly 3c (Well Einsteins theory of relativity IS only a
Theory after all...) a small piece of Daves sweater appeared in the
fractal generated universe next to V'GER...the scenery at this point
changed into a reasonable facsimile of Elite...
David Braben came out of the scenery, gibbered and then suffocated.
John Day meanwhile wondered what the hell 'Elite V' was doing on his
machine as he was only writing 'Elite III'....
================================================================================
Note 5.108 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 108 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 11 lines 10-JAN-1991 11:59
-< Who SAid I wuz Mad? Erf Erf! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demon Emulation mode on>
It was me dun it!
Crid thu God in a good imitation of John's spelling!
I writ it!
See Christianity for details, and a free Prospectus!
Demon Emulation mode Off.
================================================================================
Note 5.109 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 109 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 13 lines 10-JAN-1991 12:14
-< Dear Confused... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile Hank decided he would never play cards with twos in again, if
this was what it did to you. Nor would he ever touch a green doughnut
having an intellectual conversation with a bus pass. Things were just
to strange. Bring back faithful old Norris, his flexible friend.
Luckily, at that precise moment in time (14:56.4673 precisely, as his
watch was now back in full working order, earning a modest wage and
living in a semi-detached in Woking), the green thing decided he'd had
enough of mutating butterflies and shut the trap door.
Accidentally with him on the wrong side. Hank was now faced with a
small green thing going (and coming, and stopping for a cup of tea) by
the name of Pete.
================================================================================
Note 5.110 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 110 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 12 lines 10-JAN-1991 12:24
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fractal landscape was attacked by a squadren of butterflies under
the control of the Mathematician's Weather Control Planet Invasion
Division. It distorted into the shape of.....
..... a landscape being attacked by butterflies.
Meanwhile....
Hank had recharged his watch with some vodka he had aquired from a
promotion night at UMIST. It gained another 3 digits of accuracy, and
spontaneosly mutated to include a 2001-gadget swiss-army knife called
HAL.
================================================================================
Note 5.111 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 111 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 14 lines 10-JAN-1991 12:44
-< look, this watch works >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Or to go by his full name HAL "Orac Zeriod" ZEN-VAX(DEC)-HOLLY the
First (The only, until 9:45.314159265 am on the 1st of April, 322632...)
or was that 326432, or perhaps 123456. Maybe it was 9019. Anyway...
it could have been September though
Mind you, it may have been pm.
or even the day before two days after, but only on a Friday and if the
cat was out of the kitchen and it had snowed the previous day. (or was
that the week before?)
hang on and I'll check for you.
================================================================================
Note 5.112 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 112 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 9 lines 10-JAN-1991 12:52
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The demon inside the watch was getting very drunk by this point.
The hands of the watch started spinning in opposite directions...
(fairly impresive for a digital watch!)
Hank took the demon out, and replaced him with the God of Plagarism.
From this point, the watch only showed what all the other watches were
showing. ALL of them.... (stopped or otherwise!)
================================================================================
Note 5.113 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 113 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 11 lines 10-JAN-1991 12:56
-< Would Ramases III do...... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've got it
It was
23rd August (Sunday) 14:37.8437845 676164540 BV (Before VAX).
or was it....
A Suffusion of Yellow...
I want my mummy!
================================================================================
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V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 15 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:06
-< It is getting strange. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ello, ello, whats all this then?
Asked ruler, policeman, and general something indefinable of the VAX.
This is getting silly. Now then, put your herrings away, and dismount
peacefully, and we won't blow any of the charges (bomb? What bomb?).
"Ah, but how do you know the world exists?" asked the bomb, which
had been blown in from a film somewhere.
The God of plagiarism tried to pursuade it to blow up somewhere
else, over a doughnut.
ERGH
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V8800::CALLEN 19 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:14
-< spend time not money >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fortunately, at this point Hank decided to look at something other than
his now watch-cum-knife as he couldn't spend all day watching the watch
tie itself in knots, (the watch being proficient in contortionism since
birth).
He felt his time was much better spent watching the small green thing.
It was a shame that lately he'd been spending too much time, and so the
bank put him in the red and demanded that he pay back all the time he'd
been using, thus making time go backwards.
He found himself back in a cellar with a splodge mutating into a
butterfly, and several full kegs and the receptical other kegs were
being poured into sprawled across the floor. The watch was now a watch,
powered by alcohol, and the small green thing a small green thing.
Hang on, what's Pete doing here?
================================================================================
Note 5.116 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 116 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 14 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:19
-< Help me Ive fractured somthing. It was reality. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DANGER:-
You are entering the Fractal mentality zone.
none of the minds on this topic are complete, or ever reach the end
of anything.
Thank you for your cooperation. This Terminal will self destruct in 10
seconds taking the Poly with it.
================================================================================
Note 5.117 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 117 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 30 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:19
-< I'll fracture you in a minute >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahhhhh, the thing that had once been a Large Green Donut eating bus
which had miraculously turned into a geological time period walked
quickly up behind the Hanks shoulder and said....
BBBB OOOOO OOOOO !!
B B O O O O !!
BBBB O O O O !!
B B O O O O
BBBBB OOOOO OOOOO ::
Hank leapt seven thousand feet into the fractal ionosphere where
against all fractal probability he landed on a fractal cloud which
spoken in a fractal manner...
"Ge....."
"t....off...me...."
"Incredibily silly person...."
Meanwhile on the ground Desmond Lynam popped in for a cup of coffee...
"Errrr, that's a new world record...Errrrr"
================================================================================
Note 5.118 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 118 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 5 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:22
-< Hep hep hum hop hap hup ho ugh thud. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This topic is being investigated by the Un-American activities research
group, dedicated to finding new things to tell Dan Quayle in his sleep.
May all your mushrooms be magial.
================================================================================
Note 5.119 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 119 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 8 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:22
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At this point, the watch spoke.
"Will all red-level troubleshooters please report to the nearest
termination centre immediately (see function 1244 on knife).
Hank pressed the red button on his sub-ether electronic thumb.
The universe glowed a nice shade of purple before.......
================================================================================
Note 5.120 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 120 of 172
V8800::PWILLIAM 8 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:30
-< Round and round and rou.. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor Lucy, the butterfly, had been having a terrible day. One minute
she was busy searching for pollen, and wondering how incredible it was
that her flight patterns affected the weather, when suddenly this huge
overcoat appeared and BANG! BANG! BANG! She died.
Poor Lucy, the but.......Oh no! Time has looped as the seperate
quasi-dimensional universes have eclipsed...but wait..what is that on
the horizon??...It's a.......
================================================================================
Note 5.121 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 121 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 25 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:31
-< Splash! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glad to be remembered, the red herring sat in the back of Hank's
mind. Hank, strangely enough - or not, depending on your sanity - was
in the process of drying out his clothes. Norris had suggested they
try to cross the small stream ahead. This was not a good idea. You
see, if it had been a large impassable river, Hank would have known
what to do. Everyone does; you just make some kind of rope and fire it
at a tree opposite and hope it hits an arrow ( something like that
anyway ). Small streams represented a problem however. They were
sneaky. You think `great, this will be fun!' and end up making a fool
of yourself.
`Hank' said Norris uncomfortably, `is that your sock drifting
downstream...I mean downriver' he added catching Hank's glance.
`Um? Oh,yeah.'
There was silence for a minute until Hank jumped up and ran
downstream in panic. Norris decided to remain where he was. Ten
minutes later a dejected Hank returned.
`I lost my sock' he wailed.
`So? You can get another out of your sack.'
`But the map was in my sock...so that you wouldn't fi...hi...so
that I, I mean we, you and me wouldnt lose it!'
`What are we going to do now?'
================================================================================
Note 5.122 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 122 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 29 lines 10-JAN-1991 13:58
-< omigod its a full stop. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, out of a freak worm hole, fell an exclamation mark.
o.
.
.
¡
The punctuation wars were soon destined to restart, causing more
danger and destruction to the minds of millions.
Look out, here comes a UFP!!!!
----------------------------------------------¨
Unidentified Punctuation aaargh it is already happening all
the punctuation is vanishing if this continues
allthenoteswillbecomeunreadableandtherecanonlybeoneresultapunctuation
explosion
ߨ!@^!^&$%^&%^%^%*)((*&^#$%@#$%%*%":"::,.5678';,5&*$+__$%^)(@)_%(_)!(%`~~|"
!@#$*($%&((($$+_+&_+_*_*)())*(*)()*()&^"":|"%^:&.,,,,>><<@""::":^":,#":,":,*
Will the story ever be the same again?
================================================================================
Note 5.123 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 123 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "Jaz Warrior <*Snik*>" 29 lines 10-JAN-1991 14:51
-< What NeXT >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH
Punctuation marks all over the country have gone on strike
demanding a rematch with the Pontypridd RFC
Now over to our sports desk
The Time 0950 on the 12191
The Place Pontypridd RFC ground
With the start of this momentous occasion the Rematch between
the Punctuation Alliance (Is this the same as the Sun Alliance) and
Pontypridd RFC
At the tremendous result for Ponty RFC at the end of the last
game everyone had thought that the Punctuation Wars had been
won but apparantly this was only the beginning
Several full stops and a question mark were spotted as part of a
scouting mission for the Alliance now under the control of
Bobby Robson and apparantly have signed up Paul Gasgoine as
their Tea-Boy
Only < and > refused to join the alliance stating that their
contract for PowCon had not yet expired
================================================================================
Note 5.124 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 124 of 172
V8800::TRRICHARD "PC-WIZ!" 1 line 10-JAN-1991 16:28
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
?!
================================================================================
Note 5.125 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 125 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 47 lines 10-JAN-1991 19:30
-< FREEZE, PRESTON VICE >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the blast from the past faded, and the ghost of a very flat moderator
floated past remarking he'd wished he'd kept his big mouth shut, Hank
decided to take a well earned rest and watch a bit of the goggle box.
Sitting down he began to watch the latest action drama from Preston,
Lancs.
........................................................................
"The year is 2050, The River Ribble has become a delta much like that
of Florida. Britian is split into Four seperate countries, each with
their own parliaments ; Scotland, Wales, North and South England, with
the South Heavily balcanized after the war.
"However, Preston, has become the centre of a vicous smuggling trade
which is keeping the South supplied with the vilest substance known to
man...
....BLACK PUDDINGS !
"But, all is not lost, for there are still the men and women of PRESTON
VICE who wage an endless war against the evil Black Pudding Barons.
The scene changed to the steamy water front location of Preston Docks.
A car rumbled slowly between the high warehouses. It the back ground,
the wailing tones of Jimmy Hendrix fill the air as two men emerge from
the shadows. One is tall, blonde and carrying an Smith and Wesson 745
automatic pistol. The other, slightly shorter, also blonde carries an
Itheca 12 gauge shotgun. Both turn and fire into the moving car.
Rounds from the 745 cave in the wind-shield and plow into the helpless
driver as the car explodes, showering the docks with flaming petrol and
burning debris...
The two walk forwards, closer to the burning wreck.
"Well, I reckon, there's one less Joint dealer we have ta worry
about." Exclaimed Samuel Hardacre.
"Too right." The short form of Albert Small said as he let the Itheca
drop to his side...
================================================================================
Note 5.126 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 126 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 59 lines 11-JAN-1991 10:48
-< Fear And Loathing In Southport >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene shifted, to a bleak deserted road in the centre of Southport,
near the pier. Neon signs blinked and fizzled hesitantly in the
darkness as the lone figure of a man pushing a hot-dog stand appeared
from the gloom. He stopped, under the flickering sign, to rest.
Silently the window above him opened, the muzzle of a Barrett 0.5
sniper rifle poked slowly out. The hot dog vendor leaned forward,
in the process of refilling his mustard dispenser.
Blam ! The body flew forward, knocking over the stand, spilling it's
wares all over the road. A man ran forward, to assist the vendor...
"So what you got for me ?" Small looked about him. The night was now
full of flashing Red and blue lights which strobed off the red-light
district of Southport. The coroner, looked up as he zipped closed the
body bag.
"Hot-dog vendor. Shot by a 0.5 cal. We found him lying in a pool of
mustard !" The man looked worried, this was the eighth hot-dog
salesman that had to have been scrapped off the pavement this week.
"You must know who's doing it ?"
"Sure, we do." Hardacre replied, "It's Ernie Clutterbuck,
Hamburger-meister of Alderly Edge. He's muscling in on Rev Arthur
Parsons Hot-Dog racket."
"Just what the hell's happening out there, John ?" The Rev Parsons
screamed, pacing about his palatial Poulton-Le-Fylde home.
"It's Clutterbuck, Art, he's after the South side of Southport." John,
his right hand relish dealer looked up.
"So, if that's what he wants. I'll give him a war, the like of which
he's never seen." Art grabbed the phone, "We shall fight them on the
beaches, in the amusement arcades and on the pier. Get me Harrold
Callahan !"
It was a quiet night for business in the Hamburger trade. The vender
had stopped for a quick roll up and a snort of 'Black'. He didn't see
the hot-dog van as it rolled slowly towards his stand. Too late he saw
the hood as he pulled out a MAC-11. Gouts of flame leapt from the
barrel as the 9mm rounds exploded into the night, for ever
extinguishing the vendor's life and sending the stand flaming high into
the air as the gas bottle exploded. The van stopped, as the hood
stepped out and placed a note on the dead vendor's chest.
The note read "NOW WE'RE COOKIN'"
TO BE CONTINUED...
================================================================================
Note 5.127 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 127 of 172
V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 69 lines 11-JAN-1991 12:33
-< Meanwhile, somewhere outside Bradford... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do we really have to do this?" asked Small as he climbed into the
driver's seat of the "Ketchup-mobile", a large articulated lorry shaped
like a bottle of tomato ketchup.
"Of course we do," replied Hardacre, settling down into the passenger
seat. "We have to infiltrate the fast food market. And if that means
smuggling mustard from 'Ingletons of Yorkshire' in a ketchup-mobile, that's
what we have to do. Just remember, this beast doesn't handle like our
trusty Austin Allegro Equipe, so don't try to break the speed limit too often.
Let's get to Alderly Edge, so put your foot down."
With a squeal of hard-driven tyres and a large plume of black smoke
from the exhaust, the kethup-mobile headed out onto the M62, heading
west...
Meanwhile, in Preston...
In the control room of the police station, a group of people stood looking at a
detailed map of Southport. Stuck into the map, to signify the scenes of the
nine murders of hot-dog vendors, were placed small sticks with a cocktail
sausage on the end. Smoke slowly rose from a discarded cigarette.
"Okay, now, while Hardacre and Small are smuggling mustard, I want you and
Mavis to cover the Ainsdale area, you'll be posing as "Kiss me Quick" hat
salesgirls", Cutts said to Sharon and Mavis.
"And I want you, Stan, to talk with Markus. You could score something with
him."
"Right," Stan Biggleswaid stood up and headed out through the door, with Mavis
and Sharon in tow. Cutts looked at the map once more and took a cocktail
sausage off a stick, ate it and turned away.
The Clutterbuck Burger factory, on the outskirts of Alderly Edge, was a dismal
looking building. No lights, no colours, no pretty colours - the building was
the same mud brown as the ClutterBurgers that it produced. There were
rumours in the town about the appalling treatment of the workforce, but nobody
dared to say anything to Ernest Clutterbuck's face. He was that kind of guy,
rich, powerful, obese .. you didn't mess with him. It was his town and
everyone knew it. Along the roads toward town there were signs telling you,
just in case you forgot.
The ketchup-mobile approached this edifice to Clutterbuck's wealth. Inside the
cabin, Small was visibly nervous.
"Look, I'm sorry about that. I'll clean it up later." he saod, wiping his
mouth.
"I wouldn't normally mind, but there's a bit on my shoe." complained Hardacre.
"If you're going to be sick again, do it in the back. It'll add to the flavour
of the mustard."
"Well I suppose we'd better get in there now we're here," Small said, changing
the subject quickly. "Have you got all your false papers on you? Remember,
I'm Jack Boyle and you're Bob Bunnion. We've got the be convincing mustard
smugglers, otherwise our cover will be blown, along with the whole operation."
"Alright! Alright! Just because I forgot your name last time..."
"AND you wrote out a cheque from your normal chequebook..."
"Anyone can make a mistake, you know."
"Anyway, let's get in there, Hardacre, I mean, Mr Bunnion...."
================================================================================
Note 5.128 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 128 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 53 lines 11-JAN-1991 12:51
-< Beach Party >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ladies, what are YOU doing ?" The shocked voice cried out in alarm,
directed at two middle-aged women who were quietly sunning themselves.
The women looked up in annoyance at this unwarrented intrusion. They
saw a small thin man wearing a loud Isle of Man shirt, a pair Blackpool
shorts and a knotted hankie on his head.
"Ladies, I cannot stand idly by and watch you expose yourselves to the sun
like this. Here, use this." He thrust a small clear bottle at one of the
ladies. She looked at the violently green liquid inside with disgust.
"What is it ?" She shook the bottle carefully, in case it exploded.
"That, madam, is Repta-jel ! A special concoction of certain extracts form
certain reptiles found in the in-accessable regions of the Upper Ribble Valley,
around Ribblesdale. A secret that has been passed from father to son over many
hundreds of years." The man replied, he figured he'd got them hooked by now.
"Does it work ?" The other woman asked, incredulously.
"Well, let me put it this way, have you ever seen a sun-burnt snake ?"
"Yeah, Markus. I'm looking at one now." The calm voice of Stan started
Markus so violently that he threw the bottle at one of the women. The bottle
obligingly exploded when it hit the sand, causing the two women to run in
panic. When the smoke cleared, Markus could see Stan covered in green goo and
sand. Markus gulped.
"Nice one Markus. I really appreciated that." Stan stepped closer, drawing
out his Carter Arms .44 Man Stopper and pointing it at Markus. "Now suppose
you tell me who is behind the Gang War ?"
"The word on the streets is that Harry C, the Rev's top Enforcer blew away
the Burger-Meister's stooge." Markus began, Stan looked slightly happier, but
the gun didn't. "But as to who bagged the Rev's men, well one thing's for
sure, it wasn't the Burger-Meister. I heard he's having trouble with his
ClutterBurgers, not enough Mustard, Ingleton Mustard Baron's are raising the
prices."
"Thanks Man." Stan said, "Hey, what's in this stuff ?"
"Err, ground up Snake droppings." Markus saw the error of that last coment
and started running, he got quiet far before Stan blew his hankie off his head.
"Well, Deek, Markus reckons that The Burger-Meister hasn't got anything to
do with the Hot-Dog killings." Stan glanced up at the map, he looked worried,
then puzzled. "Hey, wasn't there nine murders ?"
Cutts blushed...
================================================================================
Note 5.129 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 129 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 89 lines 13-JAN-1991 10:36
-< To Live And Die In Southport >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile...in a hotel room in down town Southport, a man picks up the
phone and dials. A few moments latter.
"Yes, it's ready. This should really burn 'em up." The reciever is
replaced...
Night once more held sway over the town of Southport as Richard Large
pushed his Hot-Dog stand slowly under the pier. This vendor has worked
this area for ten years now. The takings aren't that great but he
really enjoys his wares. Behind him, the radio starts to play Winler &
Derringer's classic song, 'Free Ride'.
'The Mountain is high, The Valley is low....'
Large pulls out a double cheese and ham weenie-dog and starts to spread
a liberal amount of Ketchup and Mustard onto it.
'And you're confused as to which way to go,
So I've come here to give you a hand...'
He brings the dog upto his lips.
'And lead here to the promised land...'
He bites.
The dog explodes, taking the vendor's head with it. Instantly the
headless corpse flops to the sand.
'So...'
Elsewhere a ClutterBurger vendor pushes his cart towards the boating
pool. Ducks quack quietly in the night as he switches on the radio.
A long guitar solo wails as Winler & Derringer's song continues. The
vender does see the man step from the shadows, he levels the Ruger
Nighthawk special, and fires. The sound of the gunshot sends several
ducks scittering into the air in a panic.
'Come on and take a free ride,
Come on and sit here by my side,
Come on and take a freee Riiide.'
The corpse splashes into the water.
'Freee Riide !'
Police crawled slowly over the entire area by the boating pool, while
the Coroner's department went quickly to work. Cutts stood, looking
angry at the body of the ClutterBurger vendor.
"Hey, the chief wants to see you." A uniformed cop said as he walked
passed the Vice Captain.
"What the hell's going on, Derek ?" Chief Swainson looked red in the
face, due entirely to a close encounter with a large bottle of Milk
Stout earily that evening.
"'Nother murder." Derek Cutts replied.
"I can SEE that. What's being done to stop them ?" Swainson swayed
slowly backwards as a gust of wind threatened to topple him over.
"I've got two of my best men working on it right now. I'll have a
result within the week."
"Good !" The Chief wavered slowly back to his car.
"What you got this time ?" Cutts stood over the Coroner as he finished
pulling the ClutterBurger vendor from the water.
"Real strange, Derek. The body was hit by a dum-dum variant round.
It looks like an adaption of the standard Glaiser Safety Round." The
coroner replied flatly.
"What do you mean a variant ?" Cutts asked, puzzled.
"The standard liquid teflon was replaced by mustard !" The coroner
walked slowly back to his car, mentally swearing off hot-dogs as he
went.
================================================================================
Note 5.130 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 130 of 172
V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 112 lines 14-JAN-1991 10:04
-< Alderly Edge - one hell of a town >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back in sunny, glamorous Alderly Edge...
Hardacre and Small had been waiting for twenty minutes outside Clutterbuck's
office. They had had a tour of the Burger-Meister's factory, full of drab
slabs with drab employees making drab hamburgers, and had been told to wait as
Clutterbuck was engaged in "urgent business".
Suddenly the door to the office opened and Clutterbuck's secratary emerged,
looking rather unkempt. She saw the two men and quickly fluffed her permed
hair, saying "Oh, he'll see you now," adding under her breath "... now that
he's seen to me."
As they entered his office Hardacre and Smalls were overwhelmed by three
features. Firstly, along one wall were row upon row of framed black and white
pictures, secondly, on the opposite wall, was a large red curtain, thirdly was
the sight of Ernest Clutterbuck doing up his flies.
"Oh, oh, it's you, is it? Mr Boyle and Mr Bunnion" he snorted. "I suppose
that damn fool secratary let you in, did she? Well that's the end of her
then." He picked up a phone and barked into it. "Hello, Amanda? Yes,
it's me again. Amanda, you're sacked. Goodbye, dear!"
He replaced the receiver in its cradle and turned to the two undercover men and
said "I see you're admiring my photograph collection. Let me show you my
favourites...."
He approached them, totally ignoring Smalls' outstretched hand, and pointed at
a photo of himself, Ken Dodd and a suitcase. The famous comedian was eating a
ClutterBurger and smiling. In a corner, Ken had written a message which
Clutterbuck read out.
"'All the best, and thanks for the small loan, Ken.' What a lovely man! I
could do a lot of good business with him. Come and look at this one."
He guided Hardacre and Smalls towards another photo. In it, Clutterbuck
was holding a pistol to the head of Morrissey, who was chomping on another
ClutterBurger. Signed at the bottom was the message "Meat isn't murder after
all. Here's to the next one. Stephen."
"He was a big girl's blouse if ever there was one, you know," Clutterbuck
muttered, almost to himself before booming "But this, this is my favourite."
He turned the pair of agents around to face the opposite wall, with the red
curtain. He went over to it and drew the curtain back. Behind it was a full
size oil painting of Clutterbuck with Her Majesty The Queen. Their right hands
were engaged in shaking their counterparts. Their left hands were engaged in
putting a Clutterbcuk Royal Half Pounder to their mouths.
"Ah, a momentous day! 'ClutterBurgers, as eaten by The Queen!' That's our
next slogan, you see."
He returned to his desk and sat down. "So, gentlemen, what can you do for me?"
Hardacre spoke first.
"We know about your problems, Mr Clutterbuck, and we think we can solve them
for you."
"Oh really? What problems do I have?"
"You are having trouble with mustard. We can help you."
"How?"
Smalls spoke next. Hardacre, meanwhile, was looking at the photgraphs on the
wall,
"Currently there is a large lorry in your car park which is shaped like a
bottle of tomato ketchup. However, inside that bottle is Ingleton's Mustard.
We are willing to do a deal with you. At our price."
"Hmm, I'll have to think about this. How much are you asking?"
"Twenty thousand pounds. Take it or leave it." said Small.
"Fifteen thousand."
"What do you think, Mr Bunnion?" Small asked Hardacre.
Hardacre, distracted for a moment by a picture of Clutterbuck and the Pope,
said "Er, dunno, Albert. Have you seen this?"
Small and Clutterbcuk stared at Hardacre. Small stammered, "Er, Mr Bunnion..."
Clutterbuck finished the sentence for him. "Why did you call him 'Albert'?"
"It's, it's, it's his nickname!" Hardacre was thinking on his feet,
unfortunately he seemed to be thinking with his feet.
"Yes, yes, it's my nickname," Small added. "it's an in-joke we have..."
"You aren(t Mr Bunnion and Mr Boyle, are you?" boomed Clutterbuck. "I thought
I recognised you from somewhere... you're police!" He made a grab for the
phone. "AMANDA! AMANDA! COME IN HERE NOW!" he roared down the line.
By the time Amanda, who had been packing her bags and sulking in the toilets,
had come into Clutterbuck's office, her ex-boss was dead. HArdacre had shot
him three times, having realised that if this got out, their cover in the
fast food industry would be blown completely. Amanda looked at the dead body,
slumped over his desk, and screamed. Then she laughed and approached the deck.
She picked up a tannoy microphone and switched it on. and her words were piper
out across the whole factory.
"Testing, testing." she gasped, trying to surpress her giggles. "Here is a
special announcement for all workers in the ClutterBurger factory. Mr Ernest
Clutterbuck is dead!!!"
A loud cheer could be heard from outside the office...
================================================================================
Note 5.131 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 131 of 172
V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 87 lines 14-JAN-1991 14:40
-< See Southport and die! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somewhere between on M62 between Manchester and Liverpool...
"For God's sake, I've said I'm sorry! What else could I do?" Hardacre
turned to his partner Albert Smalls and shrugged his shoulders.
"PUT YOUR HANDS BACK ON THE WHEEL!!!!" Small screamed as the 'ketchup-mobile'
swerved into the outside lane.
Hardacre regained control of the lorry and moved back into the middle lane. A
coach overtook him, the driver furiously waving his fists and flashing his
lights.
"But you didn't have to shoot him, you know. A ticking off and a few quid
would have kept him quiet." Small had calmed down a little and had stopped
shaking now.
"Oh, but did you see the look on that Amanda's face? We got a standing ovation
when we left the factory, you know."
"So how are we going to explain it to the Chief? 'Oh, he pulled a loaded
hamburger on us,' is it? Anyway, now he's out of the picture the whole thing
should be cleared up." Small paused for a moment, then continued. "D'you
know what I could do with? I could really murder a hot-dog, no pun intended,
like."
"I suppose you want me to drive this thing to Southport then?"
"Yep."
"Ah, what the hell..."
As they approached the vendor on the seafront, they could hear the distinctive
sizzle of the frying onions and the nauseating smell of the sausages. The
vendor had a transistor radio tuned into a pop channel. The ten o clock news
had just started.
"Can I have two double dogs, extra mustard, extra onions please." Small said to
the vendor. Hardacre was wandering around the stall muttering about
unnecessary journeys when something on the radio caught his ear.
"...have announced that another hot-dog vendor has been murdered in Southport.
Reports are unclear at the moment but it seems that he was killed by Semtex in
his sausage. More on that later..."
Hardacre was puzzled. He thought that now Clutterbuck was out of the picture
the murders would stop. He wandered over to Small who was licking his lips in
anticipation.
"Did you hear that, Albert? Another murder here."
"Shut up and eat. I've got one for you."
"Thanks but I'd rather not. Do you know how the last victim went?"
"Don't know, don't care," Small munched into his hot-dog.
"Semtex in the sausage," Hardacre said casually.
Small spat his hot-dog onto the pavement. A pidgeon flew in and look at the
half-consumed snack and, forgetting his pride, tucked in.
It was then that Small noticed the blue hot-dog van. Witnesses to some of the
other murders had mentioned one similar in most cases. This was too much of a
coincidence to let it pass.
The partners approached the van carefully, quietly and stealthily. Suddenly
Small kicked the door inb, revealing a small man with an electronic detonator
in his hand, which he quickly pressed.
In the distance a pidgeon exploded.
"Well, pal. It looks like you've been a very very naughty boy, haven't you?"
Hardacre moved toward the man.
The man looked very stoical as he started to ease his gun out of his holster.
"Go ahead, punk, and I'll turn you into hamburgers." Small pushed his Itheca
gently into the man's neck. "Now, what's your name?"
"Grundy, Frank Grundy, but that's all I'll tell you."
"I don't think so." Hardacre smiled as he pulled Grundy out of the van, passing
the hot-dog vendor who was picking up the bits of exploded pidgeon and adding
them to his frying onions.
================================================================================
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V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 52 lines 14-JAN-1991 14:43
-< Can we talk ? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Right now this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna ask you a series of
question and you, my friend are going to give me some answer." Hardacre looked
up at the hit-man who spat on the ground infront of him.
"I see, so that's the way you want to play it." Hardacre smiled, he'd
seen Ben Hur two nights ago and was dying to try something out. "Now for that
I'm gonna tie you to the back of the Ketchup-mobile and drag you through the
streets of Southport..."
"Weather permitting..." Broke in Small, who then shut up when Hardacre
glared at him.
"And I'm gonna do that until you tell me what I want to know or I can
sell you off as reduced mince."
"You can't do that. I got rights." The hit-man screamed, all the
colour draining from his face.
"Wrong. Albert get the tow rope !" Hardacre's eyes never left the
terrified hit-man's face.
"Hey man. You can't do this." The hit-man's arms were now tied firmly
to the back of the Ketchup-Mobile. Hardacre just smiled down at him, from his
perch on top of the bottle.
"Now who are you working for." Hardacre was looking forward to this,
it would be even better than reporting this scuz-bag to the NSPB for what he
did to that pidgeon.
"Rot in hell." The hit-man cried back.
"Okay. Albert lets roll out." Hardacre cried and the Ketchup-Mobile
began to move slowly backwards.
"ALBERT !" Hardacre screamed as the hit-man narrowly avoided becoming
another road side pancake, "I said roll out, NOT roll over."
"Sorry, I wish this was the Alegro." The Ketchup-Mobile jerked as
Small ground the gears, "I know first is in here somewhere." He muttered as
the vehicle moved slowly forwards.
"Happy ?" Hardacre asked politely as the hit-man got to his feet and
began to run after the peculiar vehicle.
"I'll tell, I'll tell." He grunted. Hardacre banged on the side of
the Ketchup-Mobile which stopped instantly, throwing Hardacre to the floor.
"Speak." He ordered when he'd picked himself up.
================================================================================
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V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 69 lines 14-JAN-1991 16:46
-< Operation Relish >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Derek Cutts turned his back to the map in the control room and said "Right, so
what have we found out?"
Small spoke first. "Weeell...we met Clutterbuck and, erm, we , er, sorta,
um..."
"We shot him," Hardacre finished the tricky sentence for his partner.
"You WHAT?" shouted Cutts.
"Well Sam cocked it up and blew our cover and, you know, things like that
travel faster than salmonella in the fast food business." stuttered Small.
"OK, so who has been killing all these vendors them? You didn't stop to ask
Clutterbuck before you shot him, did you?"
"Um, no, not as such, but he had a very interesting photograph collection..."
"THAT DOESN'T TELL US IF HE WAS A MASS MURDERER THOUGH!"
"Well,anyone who forces Morrissey to eat a hamburger could be classified as a
murderer, you know."
"Look, can we change the subject. What happened on the way back?"
"Well, there was this pidgeon..."
"I KNOW! HOW DID YOU GET THIS GRUNDY FELLA?"
"Sheer luck. I wanted a hot-dog and this fella was going to blow him up and we
found him in this van... and we sort of talked to him..."
"Here you are, chief, you had better read this," added Hardacre, as he passed
Cutts a request form for a new tow rope.
"Oh good, so you saw 'Ben Hur' too. Did it work?"
"Yes, I think we should make this method of interogation permanant. It might
liven up 'The Bill'. Here's his confession." Hardacre passed his boss another
sheet.
"Okay. 'I, Frank Grundy,do swear that this was not beaten, threatened, thrown
downstairs or in anyway shape or form co-ersed out of me. Straight up Guv'.
Nice touch that guys." Cutts looked up at Small who blushed.
"'I was employed by Betty Tyrol, know as Betty-T to gain possession of the
whole of Southport's food rackets. To do this Betty-T wanted me to start a
gang war by elliminating as many Hot-Dog vendors as possible. Thereby pinning
the blame on the BurgerMeister and his good Burgers. So far this was very
successful especially my invention of the Semtex filled sausage revolutionised
the fast food trade.'
"'I would have succeeded if it wasn't for these pesky kids...Sorry wrong
program.'"
"Right," Cutts said, "you all heard that, now let's get another operation going
to get this Betty-T woman. Operation Relish. And no cock-ups from you two,
Hardacre and Small. Stan, you take Mavis with you and co-ordinate the back-up.
Your call-sign will be 'Salt'. Hardacre and Small, you're going to try and
sell that blasted mustard out there to Betty-T because I can't stand having it
in the car park any longer. You'll be known as 'Mustard'. Small, you'll be
wearing a wire. Sharon, you'll sell flowers outside their gate. You're call
sign is 'Pepper'. I'll be in the control car, call-sign 'Sausage One'. And
we'll have a full T.R.I.P.E. team with us, call-sign 'Vinegar'. We'll move in
tomorrow... any questions?"
"Um, Derek, there's been eleven murders, right, but there's only three sausages
on the map..."
"SMALL!!! GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!!!!!"
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V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 116 lines 16-JAN-1991 11:43
-< "Betty?" "Boo!" >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"There it is." Derek Cutts muttered under his breath as he watched the
house through a pair of binoculars. He saw the house, surrounded by
immaculate gardens which were being patrolled by ten men, all of whom carried
sub-machine guns. He picked up the microphone off the front seat.
"This is sausage one to all condaments, report." He spoke softly, as he
reached for another cocktail sausage.
"SAUSAGE ONE, THIS IS SALT. WE'RE READY AND WAITING."
"SAUSAGE ONE, THIS IS MUSTARD. WE'RE IN POSITION."
"SAUSAGE ONE, THIS IS VINEGAR. WE'RE ORBITING AT FIVE MILES OUT."
"SAUSAGE ONE, THIS IS PEPPER. JUST GIVE THE WORD."
"Roger, Okay operation Relish is go." Cutts watched as the
Ketchup-Mobile drove smoothly towards the house.
Small turned drove on through the gates of the house, along the drive.
He didn't like driving this 'ketchup-mobile' around. He longed for the speed
and grace of his trusty Austin Allegro Equipe. Still, he hoped, this'll be
the last time we see this thing. Hopefully Betty Tyrol would buy it off them
and they'd make a healthy profit from it, Ingleton's hadn't even noticed that
the mustard had gone.
He put the brakes on outside the medium sized detached house. He turned
to his partner, Hardacre, and said "Hardly the abode of a mass-murderer, is
it?"
"You never know," Hardacre replied. "She's probably lovely to her
neighbours,wherever they are. Anyway, just check that you're wired up properly
and we'll go in. Remember, no stupid accidents this time..."
The front door was pulled sharply open by what looked like a well-dressed
gorilla, but was in fact - or at least they thought so - one of Betty's
bodyguards. "Jesus Christ," Hardacre whispered under his breath.
"We've come to do a deal with Betty-T." Small announced.
"Who the hell are you and why do you wanna do a deal with my m.. I mean,
Betty?" The gorilla had a gruff deep voice that could rattle bones at 20
paces.
"This is Mr Boyle and I am Mr Bunnion," continued Hardacre.
"We don't do deals with door-to-door salesmen," the gorilla scratched his beard
nonchalantly.
"We are expected actually. You see, we've got something you need. Let's just
say that we've got something that can make your hot-dogs hotter."
The gorilla pricked up his ears. "You got some more stuff for the dogs? Come
in then." He held the door open and the two salesmen entered.
"So," the gorilla was pacing around the living room, "you've got more stuff.
We need loads more for our next job. How much you got?"
"Well, there's a lorry load of it..,." Small started.
"A lorry full? God, we could do some business with that! How much are you
asking?"
"Fifty grand," Hardacre and Small chimed in unison.
"Done!" the gorilla allowed himself a smile. Hardacre and Small glanced at
each other. At last, they were rid of that mustard. There was still a
problem, though.
"Ahem," Hardacre cleared his throat, "We'd like to clinch the deal with Betty."
"Um, you can't. She's not here at the moment." the gorilla seemed to be
distracted. "'Ere, can you hear Radio Three?"
The two agents shock their heads.
"Strange, I can. How did you get a lorry of it through customs?"
"Customs?" Small looked puzzled. "It's made in Yorkshire, the best you can
get."
"Yorkshire? They don't make it in Yorkshire do they?", the gorilla was very
puzzled now.
"Yes, haven't you heard of Ingleton's of Yorkshire? The best in the world."
The gorilla stopped pacing around and turned to them.
"What are you talking about?" he asked.
"The stuff in the lorry. Ingleton's best."
"But what is it?"
"Mustard."
"MUSTARD?"
"Yes, we thought you'd need some for ..."
"YOU MEAN YOU WERE TRYING TO SELL ME MUSTARD???? I THOUGHT YOU HAD A LORRY
LOAD OF SEMTEX WITH YOU!"
Small and Hardacre looked at each other. This had all gone horribly wrong.
This gorilla was about to dismember them limb by limb and there was nothing
they could do about it. Their only hope was that Cutts and the crew outside
were listening in and were about to storm the house... but surely they would've
come in by now...
================================================================================
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V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 122 lines 16-JAN-1991 11:44
-< The Trouble With BSB >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"OKAY, IT'S SHOWTIME." The voice of Sausage One came over the radio.
'We're Setting sail, to the place on the map,
from where no one has ever returned.'
"Thank God for that." The lead pilot exclaimed before keying his
microphone. "Vinegar lead to Vinegar flight began attack run." The three
T.R.I.P.E (Trained Response Interdiction Police Echelon) blackhawk helicopters
banked and started to run in to their objective. In the back, the three six
men squads readied their weapons.
'Drawn by the promise of the Joker and the Fool,
By the light of the crosses that burn.'
'Drawn by the promise of the women,
in the lace and the gold and the cotton and the pearls.'
Cutts slammed the car into gear as Sharon ran towards the gate,
shedding flowers as she went. Stan's van leapt away in a great squeal of tires
as overhead the first helicopter could be heard.
'This is the place where they keep all the darkness you need,
You sail away from the lighted world on this trip, Baby'
Cutt's car slammed into gate sending a shower of sparks high into the
air. Two of the guards aimed their MAC-11's at the car letting off long bursts
of fire. Cutt's dived out of the car just as it turned into a fireball which
rose high into the air.
'You will pay !
You're gonna pay tommorrow !
You will pay tomorroooow !'
Sharon opened up with her Berretta, blowing one of the guards off his
feet and into the ornamental rose bushes.
'Save me !
Save me from tomorrow !
I don't want to sail with ship of fools !'
"Vinegar-Lead to Vinegar-Flight we have friendlies on the ground, begin
drop NOW !" Ropes cascaded down from each of the Blackhawks as they hovered
over the house.
'Save me !
Save me from tomorrow !
I don't want to sail with ship of fools !
I just want to run and hide !'
A burst of gun fire caught Vinegar-Two causing the pilot to shimmey the
chopper sideways, screams came from below as the T.R.I.P.E squad got hooked
onto the BSB satalite dish which protruded from the house.
'Averice and gread,
Are gonna drive you over the endless sea,
They will leave you drifting in the shallows,
And drowning in the oceans of history !'
"Damn, I knew that thing would come in useful for something."
'You will pay !
You're gonna pay tommorrow !
You will pay tomorroooow !'
"HELP !" The screams of the caught T.R.I.P.E members filled
Vinegar-Lead as the helicopter swung round to help. Below him, the pilot could
see that half of Betty-T's guards were down, and that everything was going as
planned, except of course for the minor problem with the stuck team.
'Save me !
Save me from tomorrow !
I don't want to sail with ship of fools !'
Inside the helicopter, the door gunner brought his 7.62mm mini-gun down
to target the BSB dish. Below him, he could see a guard lining up to shoot at
his team.
"HELP !"
"DON'T POINT THAT THING AT ME !"
"OH GOD !"
"GOOD NIGHT MOTHER !"
"POINT THAT THING HIGHER !"
"ARRRGH !"
BRAAAAAAAAAK ! Twenty or so rounds blew the BSB dish's wall bracket
into dime size chunks of metal, the team suddenly totally unsuported dropped
onto the waiting gun man. The roar of auto-fire suddenly stopped to be
replaced by the clattering of magazines as fresh reloads were slammed home.
'Save me !
Save me from tomorrow !
I don't want to sail with ship of fools !'
"To the door !" Screamed Cutts as he lead the charge which broke down
the rather nice front door...
================================================================================
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V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 92 lines 18-JAN-1991 14:21
-< Here's where the story ends >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"^&@#$# are you !" Screamed Cutts, as he picked himself up off the
floor. Above him came the sounds of violence, followed by the occational
scream which sounded a lot like Hardacre.
The T.R.I.P.E team leapt towards the stairs.
"Hang on lads, we're coming !" Cutts his arms acimbo raced headlong
upwards. Inside the large living room they found Small and Hardacre. Small
was lying with his head in a goldfish bowl. The goldfish was not amused !
Hardacre was desperately trying to stop his head from being unscrewed by a man
who bore a striking resemblance to a gorilla ! The gorilla was chanting
'MUSTARD' over and over again.
"Errr, FREEZE OR YOU'RE PHYSICAL EDUCATION !" The leader of the
T.R.I.P.E team shouted. The gorilla looked up, he was slightly puzzled, he
always thought it was Religious Instruction. A thought trickled through his
dim brain, and he slowly dropped the now unconcious Hardacre as he raised his
hands.
Outside, a large coach turned slowly into the drive way. The officers
watched in shock as sixty old age pensioners dismounted. The two factions saw
each other simultaniously and paniced ! The police fled as a horde of grannies
swooped to attack, zimmers and walking sticks held high. It was as if the
grannies were taking revenge on them for some reason....
One of the ladies, a little younger than the rest of them, made her way
towards the house. The two police officers at the door asked her who she was
and why she wanted to go in.
"My name is Mrs Betty Tyrol and I am the owner of the "Sunnyview Old
People's Home" which you are currently trespassing on. So,if you don't let me
into my home, I'll set Dorothy Eckingham onto you."
The police officers looked at the lady in amazement. One of them
spoke.
"You mean, you are Betty Tyrol, who has been killing all these fast
food vendors? You?"
Similar words were spoken by Derek Cutts a few minutes later - albeit
with a few expletives added - when the two arresting officers had taken Betty
upstairs. Hardacre and Small were sort of coming around and still thought this
was some kind of hallucination.
"Why the hell did you do all this?" Cutts asked, in between quick
gulps of brandy from his hip flask.
The gorilla, who was standing in a corner looking sheepish, spoke up.
"It wasn't really her. It was me and my brother."
Cutts turned round and had another quick gulp, just to make sure the
shock of hearing a gorilla speak wouldn't knock him out.
"You see," the gorilla continued in his simple way, "Mam said that the
ladies didn't like the smell of hot-dogs and burgers..."
Hardacre intevened at this point. "You mean she's your mother?" he
gasped, and fainted. Small thought that this hallucination was getting better
and better all the time, and lay down on the floor, grinning from ear to ear.
"Edmund, what have you been doing?" Betty seemed to be addressing the
gorilla. Small's smile grew even broader, the gorilla was called Edmund...
"Oh Mum! I'm sorry! Just....." he paused, as if thinking hard, "...
it's just that you and Phyllis were talking about Southport..."
"You were listening to out private conversation?" Betty was getting
angrier and angrier now.
"You said you wanted a quiet day out without the smell of burgers and
....." he paused again, obviously this thinking was hurting his brain, "...
hotdogs. So I killed all the vendors. Oh Mum, I'm sorry!"
"Sorry? SORRY???? Don't you EVER do that again! I'm SO ashamed of
you, bringing our family into disrepute. How can I face the neighbours now?
They'll all be saying 'Ooh, did you hear about Mrs Tyrol and her son?' I won't
be able to walk down the highstreet any more without them all looking at me.
And what about..."
She was interrupted by a young police officer who came into the room
with some news for Cutts.
"Chief! Chief!" Cutts looked up drunkenly at the policeman.
Everything seemed to be spinning around, there was this old woman telling off a
gorilla and his two best men were lying on the floor with huge grins on their
faces. Anyway, this drink was very good... he felt a warm glow inside him.
"Chief! Chief! We've just had some news, chief! It seems that
Ingleton's of Yorkshire have reported some stolen mustard..."
================================================================================
Note 5.137 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 137 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 66 lines 18-JAN-1991 14:22
-< Roll 'em ! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STORY EDITOR : The Flumps
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR : Rik Kershaw
PRODUCER : Clutterbuck INC
CAMMERA MAN : Blind Pugh
CHIEF GRIP : EDBRO Hydrolics
BEST BOY : Richard Page
WORST BOY : John Kuchanny
WARDROBE : OXFAM
Mr Hardacre's Hair By FLYMO
Mr Cutt's Sausages By PLASTICENE
DIRECTOR : Robert Morgan
This was written entirely on location in
and around the City of Preston and the
town of Southport.
The producer would like to thank the
following for their help :
Martin Baker
Ingleton Mustard
British Leyland
MacDonalds
Preston Arms Hire
Doc Martin Battle Zimmers
Bentons Frozen Foods
Incontunent elderly Aids
Westland Helicopter
This series was filmed on a DIGITAL VAX
8800. 'Eighteenth Century Technology For
The Twenty-First Century Man'
All alcoholic beverages supplied by NU-KEM
ADVANCED DRAIN CLEANER. 'So Clean It
Glows !'
Lyrics to FREE RIDE and SHIP OF FOOLS
used without anyone's permission so
don't tell on us, please !
This was a Meagre-Bucks Production in
association with the Rotwieler School
of Charm INC, and is protected under
Coffeeright 1991.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT !
================================================================================
Note 5.138 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 138 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 25 lines 18-JAN-1991 14:25
-< REPLACED >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
================================================================================
Note PAUSE INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 131 of 132
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 19 lines 14-JAN-1991 13:17
-< Very Big Cave Adventure Productions present... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Hank had escaped J-Block, but after taking a few wrong
turnings, had become hopelessly lost....
He tried to work out which way to go to get out, got confused and went
north.
Upon entering a room, he discovered.....
He had entered...
The Hall of the Mountain King, with passages leading off in all directions.
A fierce green snake bars the way!
Unfortunately, he discovered that he had some gold that (mysteriously)
he realised he would never get up the stais.....
The snake ate him. Being only a virtual snake helped, as Hank was now
merely Virtually dead. He wondered what all those strange people were
doing, throwing axes and knives around. Suddenly......
================================================================================
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V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 19 lines 18-JAN-1991 14:25
-< REPLACED >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
================================================================================
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V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 15 lines 14-JAN-1991 13:44
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The two seperate interactive universes warped at strange angles
relative to each other before brawling with each other. They were
promptly kicked out of the multiverse by an irate bouncing spiral
galaxy (nickname: the bouncer). Sulking, one of them crept off quietly
into that part of the void known only as the Shades (they sell
sunglasses there, amongst other things). The other paid a substantial
bribe, and got let back in... For a while....
Hank, unaware of this, or indeed anything that was going on in the
n-dimensional pan-universal splodge known as the multiverse (microways
restraunt at the end of the cosmos for those in the know), had found
some virtual medicine, and had virtually solved the slight problem of
bering killed off too early in the term......
Unknown to him..............................
================================================================================
Note 5.140 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 140 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 90 lines 18-JAN-1991 14:26
-< EXIT >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
================================================================================
Note PAUSE INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 132 of 132
V8800::CALLEN 85 lines 14-JAN-1991 14:42
-< (IN)sanity returns (TM) (c1990) >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nexus was watching......
He was getting very bored, so he decided to liven things up a bit.
Three planets and a nearby galaxy spontaneously exploded.
"Pretty! Can I do that please?" said Nexus.
"No you can't" said Nexus.
"I am NOT schitzo, and neither are any of my other 9266518
personalities!" replied Nexus.
"I don"t understand that, can you explain?" asked Nexus.
"Can I have some more chilled salt water please!" Nexus requested.
"Yes, of course," said Xanthos, "here you are." and he promptly keeled
over from shock/exhaustion/role-playing/the VAX (delete as appropriate)
"Why did you fall over?" Nexus asked the prone body, shaking it
violently.
The comatose mage failed to give a satisfactory answer. (In fact, he
gave no answer at all, but that isn't the point!)
"Hey!" exclaimed Nexus, "who's that person down there. I wonder if
he'll give any of us some chilled salt water."
Hank suddenly found himself transported to another place entirely, face
to kneecap with a babbling, half-mad hobbit god. Sorry, THE god. The
'half-mad' is a matter of perspective. His. If you were a raving
psychopath who liked watching Neibours on TV, then he might only appear
quarter-mad. But to a Blue Peter presenter he was totally asane. (If
you are sane, you have no element of insanity. Asanity passes through
the other side!) (Pass the sticky back plastic.) Of course, our Nexus
had no comparison to which to compare himself with, other than his
other 9266518 personalities, all equally mad, himself being totally
exceptional, and unique. There was only one (excluding the other
9266518 personalities) of him you see, which made life quite boring,
only having one on his social standing (or sitting, depending on the
time of day)(or lying if it were night)(or hanging upsidedown on
weekends)(if you're a bat and asked nicely)(or a mason).
A passing comma told the brackets to go jump in a lake, after they took
revenge for their extreme use.
((((((((((((( ( ( ( ( ( ( ( (
(
(
(
(
<splash>
Having got that little matter out of the way, Hank took his chance to
look round. Seeing asolutely nothing of great interest he looked closer
at it. Nothing turned out to be very interesting. It was
greenish-purple in colour and contained a comatose mage (at least he
assumed it to be a comatose mage - never having seen a comatose mage
before. At least he had a hat saying Wizzzzarrd and Spelling Expert)
and a 18 inch Hobbit (at least he assumed it was a 18 inch Hobbit not
having a ruler or a book on Wild Life that included demented gods or
hobbits. At least he had a t-shirt saying Nexus.)
Having sorted that out, Hank decided to ask a question.
"Are you a comatose mage?" he asked Xanthos.
"Oh is that what he is" said Nexus, "I did wonder."
(Being a God, he can ask questions without bothering with things like
grammer!)
"I don't know, that's what I was asking him," replied Hank.
(Being only immortal, and not quite having God status, having failed
the entrance exam, he had to talk with proper due care and attention to
things like the lowly comma).
The universe came to an abrupt halt.
Nexus took out his street map.
"I knew I should have gone left there!" he said.
He put the universe into reverse, did a U-turn, retraced his steps
(being careful not to scratch the paint on the balcony) and returned to
the correct turning.... only to crash into 4 full stops in the way.
"Excuse me, can you tell me the way to Hartlepool bus station. There's
someone I have to meet before they empty the bins and the whole fabric
of space-time collapses (or at least needs cleaning) as a result."
"Gosh I wish I knew how I knew what to say" he continued.
The 4 full stops said "Nothing much" (the inverted commas paying extra as
co-stars)(they only had a walk on/in/over part)(or rather a stay still
part cos they didn't exactly have to move much).
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V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 9 lines 18-JAN-1991 16:24
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
plot appeA ared over the horizon, but was shot by an escapee from
Preston Vice. (He couldn't stand it any more, and anyway, he liked the
colour.)
Suddenly....
Nothing happened.
Then Nothing did it again (this time, only louder) because it liked it
so much. So much that it died.
================================================================================
Note 5.142 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 142 of 172
V8800::CALLEN 27 lines 18-JAN-1991 17:04
-< Plot makes a comeback >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A manically depressed turkey fell over the remains of Plot, got up and
promptly fell over the remains of Nothing, which really confused it as
there was nothing there.
The turkey was just wondering exactly where he was, and what he was
doing there, and if he was supposed to be there, if he was anywhere.
Then a light came on, walked over to the turkey and tripped over
Nothing as it didn't see him.
Hank got confused, but had to return it because it was past it's
sell-by-date.
Confused was slightly upset about this, and walked off in a manically
depressed state (it was going cheap at the jumble sale), tripping over
Nothing.
Hank, deciding to join in the fun, jumped up and down a few times and
stood on his head (at the same time). Noticing all his money
disappearing down a black hole, called Bic, that had mysteriously
materialised out of nowhere. Nowhere apologised, and left the scene,
which she wasn't too bothered about, as she'd recently met a bracket
(which had dried itself off after jumping into the lake.)
Plot got up again and went over to Hank, told him what the plot was,
then disappeared in a puff of smoke (well what do you expect from a
second hand dealer? A Rolls-Royce?)
================================================================================
Note 5.143 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 143 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 11 lines 21-JAN-1991 08:50
-< ARE LITY >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank scratched his chin. Hmmm, this was getting confusing. What
now?
Clearly there were two choices, sort of.
One, thought Hank, would be to abandon his quest for the gold in
pursuit of happiness...and reality.
The alternative was not to.
Tough decision...
================================================================================
Note 5.144 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 144 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 27 lines 21-JAN-1991 10:52
-< Oils well that ends well. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...the sausages were even tougher,Nothing chewed for hours until she
discovered that she had already eaten the sausage.
By now the sausage was pretty annoyed.I mean,jumping out of the
frying pan into the fire is bad enough,never mind jumping into nothing.
He really regretted it,the frying pan wasn't such a bad guy.So he had
a tendency to stick every now and then,we can't all be perfect.
It had all started one day in the supermarket.
Sos(the sausage)had been minding his own business at the meat
counter(well,not really,he was secretly working for the goverment
health inspectors)when somebody had bought him!
He was wondering how to complete his mission,when he was put into
a string bag with a lettuce.The lettuce didn't talk much.Suddenly the
leaves of the lettuce moved apart to reveal the half crazed features of
a green-fly.He was really green and not his natural colour.
"Hey man"drawled Sos"you been in the soup?".
"You kiddin?"Choked the fly"Nah,got hit by a blast of DDT"
"Thought that stuff had been outlawed!"
"Yeh,it has.But whose to know eh?"
"Listen,I work for the D.O.H.You give me some names and I'll get
you a place in a greenhouse."
The fly looked interested,then sick,then dead.Sos sighed and tried to
ignore the corpse.
Later he was put into the frying pan.
'That's it,'he thought,'I'm gonna fry'...
================================================================================
Note 5.145 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 145 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "EEYAAOW !" 7 lines 21-JAN-1991 14:07
-< Help, my Brian has exploded !!! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The whole of the seventh cavalary rode over the hill towards the
assembled masses. Then for no reason what so ever, they turned into a
small under-ripe peach...
Hank was puzzled !
================================================================================
Note 5.146 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 146 of 172
V8800::RDMORGAN1 "Lie back and grumble" 3 lines 21-JAN-1991 14:09
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian looked around and wondered how he had got there...
This REALLY puzzled Hank...
================================================================================
Note 5.147 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 147 of 172
V8800::JKUCHANNY "I wanna be Sedated..." 16 lines 21-JAN-1991 14:27
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From a radio that had appeared from within the overripe peach came a
news flash...
...We interrupt this program to bring you a newsflash...
...Earlier today the body of the Plot was found in the Interactive
Zone, apparently the victim of murder. The plot, aged 32, leaves a wife
and two episodes...
...Police are looking for R D Hank and Norris, if seen please do not
approach them as they are considered dangerous...
....We now return to your scheduled brosadcast...
================================================================================
Note 5.148 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 148 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 17 lines 23-JAN-1991 08:44
-< Sorry, I'm under a lot of stress... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank stared at the radio in horror.
'We need to get away quickly Norris, they"ll be on our trail at
once'.
Norris looked at him with disdain and took a bite from the peach.
'A bit overripe this, have you got any cream?'.
'Of course not, do you really expect...hey, come on, lets get out
of here. The police will...'
Hank trailed off and his jaw hung as he spotted the police vehicle
coming towards them. It dripped mustard.
The two watched in silence as the figure stepped out. It appeared
to be a woman, but that was debatable; I mean, when was the last
time you saw a police woman with a moustache. Hank's eyes swerved
dangerously to avoid her look.
'Ok boys, the game"s up.'
================================================================================
Note 5.149 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 149 of 172
V8800::CALLEN "Elf : Alcoholic and underage." 8 lines 23-JAN-1991 10:20
-< shock horror! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank and Norris were quite frankly very pleased to hear this news.
After all 14 hours of non-stop Twister can get tiring. Added to this,
the fact that they appeared to be in the middle of a Trans-Interactive
Expressway didn't relieve thaem much.
After packing up the game, which by this time they both thoroughly
hated, the game walked of in distain, leaving Hank and Norris with the
woman, whose moustache was growing even as we read.
================================================================================
Note 5.150 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 150 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 16 lines 23-JAN-1991 12:59
-< Whose Hair-brained Idea was this anyway? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The moustaches' real name was carlos.It had been a tough job,it's not
easy infiltrating a policewoman's upper lip,especially for a Code
Indigo caterpillar.
It had taken two years for Carlos the Caterpillar to establish
himself as an abnormal growth on this woman.In fact Carlos had not been
so nervous since impersonating one of Dennis Healey's eyebrows.That
mission had failed due to Dennis getting pissed at a party where a
couple of back-benchers thought that it would be funny to shave is
eyebrows off.
Carlos had gotten off lightly and managed to retain his Code Blue
clearance.Since that event he had been promoted to Code Indigo,if this
mission was succesful he could expect to achieve Code Violet.Carlos's
main ambition was to obtain toupe status.
With any luck Project Clean Shave would be a success and Carlos could
start on Arthur Scargill...
================================================================================
Note 5.151 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 151 of 172
V8800::CALLEN "Elf : Alcoholic and underage." 10 lines 23-JAN-1991 13:37
-< Not mine, to be sure. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, Carlos was faced with the problem of Hank's, Norris', and the
Woman's faces. Which one was the most likely to lead him to Arthur
Scargill? He had to make a decision before his presence was
discovered. This was likely to be soon, after all, if you are a growing
caterpillar, you are bound to be seen sometime. He had to make his
choice now. If only Pete, his faithful sidekick, were with him.
Ah Pete. Carlos lapsed into an old memory. The one where he and Pete
were fighting for there lives against a marauding can of baked beans.
================================================================================
Note 5.152 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 152 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 23 lines 24-JAN-1991 17:17
-< A friend in need... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unknown to Carlos,Pete had changed his name to Sos and is currently
disguised as a sausage.Carlos let his mind wander for a while before
calling it back,he scolded it for walking mud on the carpet before
realising that he was stuck on a top lip.
Meanwhile,Sos(alias Pete)was on the run.He had escaped Nothing's
frying-pan only to be pursued by a rabid woodlouse across Nothing's
kitchen floor.
Summer...Pollen...Hay fever!!!
The woman sneezed,catapulting Carlos through the air to land on the
back of a passing sparrow.The sparrow was on her way to visit relatives
in the void,a gust of wind caused Carlos to fall.Luckly he fell into a
chimney,shot out of the fireplace to squash the woodlouse just as it
was about to eliminate Sos!!!!
Sos immediately recognised Carlos and shouted to him.
"Hey,bug-breath,what are you doing here?"
Carlos frowned in puzzlement and said,
"I don't take no from sausages Amigo"
"I'm no sausage,It's me...Pete!"
Carlos was shocked,he didn't think that his ex-partner would fall so
low as to be a meat product.But at least he wasn't a burger!
================================================================================
Note 5.153 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 153 of 172
V8800::DCMINTER "Je suis le tenebreux." 29 lines 24-JAN-1991 17:51
-< Odd - the sequal part II. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With a screech of burning rubber, the van from the sunshine home
for the emotionally unstable ground to a halt. A man wearing a large
white coat and an unconvincing accent hopped out and threw water on the
large mattress which was smouldering on the roof.
"Vell. Vat hav ve here," he intoned improbably.
"He tinks he iss a saussage unt a mousssstasshe. Ve shall see."
with this ominously sinister accent, he threw open the back of the van,
which contained ....
A comfy chair.
This would not have been so intimidating, but it also contained a
comfy straight-jacket, a comfy metal grill, comfy padded walls, and a
total absence of all sharp objects, comfy or otherwise.
"I am Gaga HelleSpont, Nearly the best known psyco... I mean
psychaiatrist in the universe!"
He then stuffed all of the protagoinists of the last fifteen notes
in the back of the van, and drove them all off to the Sunshine home for
the litereary incompetent where they were incarcerated for the rest of
their comparatively happy lives.
Meanwhile in a very similar universe, somthing strange was
happening. Again.
================================================================================
Note 5.154 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 154 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 14 lines 25-JAN-1991 08:53
-< And now... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darkness, the colour of death, the guise of night and...well, dark.
Yes, the very essence of fear, the personification of terror, the
darkness of dark.
Gard stood on the stairway. It was dark by the way - and cold too.
'Oh come on,' he muttered,'I have not got all night.'
The crystal ball flickered dimly, and seconds later burst
dramatically and spectacularly into life.
'Just get on with it.'
The magical object looked crest fallen, in so far as a crystal ball
can look crest fallen. A couple of figures came into focus.
One of them was Hank...
================================================================================
Note 5.155 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 155 of 172
V8800::CALLEN "Elf : Alcoholic and underage." 3 lines 25-JAN-1991 13:07
-< and the other one >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other was a detailed diagram of the internal workings of a coffee
machine.
================================================================================
Note 5.156 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 156 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 13 lines 25-JAN-1991 13:13
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This coffee machine (it's name was VAX) was busy churning out lots and
lots of coffee. (Or mud, as the more recent chemical analysis had shown
it to be. The Analysis that had shown it to be anything else had been
procured by a rather demented research chemist at the octagon. This is
his story.....)
The scientist stood dangerously close to the VAX (ok, inside 5 miles).
A remote-control robot carrying some large bottles ventured up to the
coffee which was singing something from the top 10. On contact, one of
the bottles exploded, another turned into an unidentifiable creature
which ran squeeking from the room, and the third sat there, looking
very impressed.
================================================================================
Note 5.157 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 157 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 15 lines 25-JAN-1991 13:18
-< Help me I am mad. So is he. (And me too).... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DCMINTER mode on:-
With an improbably huge explosion, the remaining dregs of coffee
destroyed the research lab, three quarters of a large industrial
complex seventeen miles away (which was more or less innocently
involved in research into cruelty to cheese plants) and a small
pickle and onion sandwhich.
No-one ever discovered the reason for this, though a number
of theories were proposed, including the Big Snack, and Stringy Meal
Dynamics. None of these were as convincing as the unnecessarily nasty
author theory, which was the correct one...
DCMINTER mode off :-
================================================================================
Note 5.158 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 158 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 3 lines 25-JAN-1991 13:19
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The VAX spontaneously combusted.
No-one noticed, until one alert student pointed out that PowCon was
running faster than usual.
================================================================================
Note 5.159 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 159 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 18 lines 25-JAN-1991 16:50
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He was feeling especially fit,the daily ten mile jogs were making
PowCon achieve greater standards of efficiency all the time.
As he turned the corner he had a thought.Unfortunately it suffered
from a rare form of schizophrenia,alternating from being your everyday
dirty thought and being dead.This caused problems,not very big
ones(they were only a metre in length),but problems all the same.
This sudden change of a dirty thought into being dead caused the VAX
to get hot occasionaly,thus bursting into pretty lilac flames.These
matched the general colour scheme of room 213 at the Grand
Hotel,Scarborough.
Talking of schemes,Carlos's attempt to infiltrate Arthur Scargill were
going from bad to worse,but that's another note.
PowCon,meanwhile,had not noticed that the sky had turned green but did
notice falling off the edge of a huge chasm.Luckily,just at this
moment,the thought schizoed...
================================================================================
Note 5.160 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 160 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "Bay City Or Bust..." 12 lines 28-JAN-1991 15:37
-< Bay City Here And Now..! >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank watched as the car moved slowly down the street towards Carlo's
residence. How he got there, no one knew, but the car he was looking
at was most strange. Not a noise came from it. Total silence, an
absence of noise emitted from under that large hood. What was the
power, anti-matter ? Oh he suddenly knew it. The engine was one of
those new plasma photon ionizers utilizing a cross-polarization of beta
particles to bombard an inter-rositor through the medium of a good
sub-atomic vector plotter (say a good strong cup of tea). Never mind,
he had a job to do, and at $25 a day plus expences he'd better do it
quickly...
================================================================================
Note 5.161 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 161 of 172
V8800::CALLEN "Elf : Alcoholic and underage." 11 lines 29-JAN-1991 13:33
-< Ha. No one's replied to Preston Vice. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hang on a minute!
Hank didn't know what job he had to do. Either that, or he did, but
he's forgotten. Or he's just not saying anyway, just to be awkward.
But never fear. Well, how could you with Norris around?
Hank had an idea.
It didn't involve carrots though.
================================================================================
Note 5.162 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 162 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 2 lines 29-JAN-1991 14:04
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It did involve getting another cup of tea (just to annoy the God Of
Plagarism, who had just ordered his 665th cup of cofee and sticky bun).
================================================================================
Note 5.163 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 163 of 172
V8800::NLHALL 31 lines 31-JAN-1991 11:44
-< The wind of change... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By now the God of Plagarism was slightly over-weight.Large was not
enough,huge was an understatement.The term was 'a very large planet
sized thing which is about to turn into a sun'.The team of half crazed
scientists who were watching this phenomomen had estimated that
critical mass would be reached with two sticky buns and one cup of
coffee.But they hadn't reckoned on the pepsi machine,with a painful
grind of it's machinery it deposited one last can before collapsing
into a pile of insignificance.
The God of Plagarism reached eagerly for this free item of
refreshment...
Professor Ralph Dobson gazed out of the observation port before
turning to his dedicated team of crackpots.
"Gentlemen,"he began(Dobson was a compulsive male chauvanist,public
school type,which could be highlighted by the fact that out of thirteen
scientists under his command only two were male.)
"Gentlemen,"he said again carefully ignoring the bracketed
interruption,"we are facing the biggest threat to mankind and reality
since last Tuesday morning.The God of Plagarism must not be allowed to
drink that can of pepsi,the universe cannot afford to have bubbles up
it's nose.So therefore I am forced to use the most dreadful discovery
in the Galaxy's history."
"NO!!!"cried one of the nine women.
"Why not?We have to stop this from happening"
"I was only being dramatic"she replied
"Oh yeh,I keep forgeting about the readers,sorry"
The scientists took up their posts and proceeded the countdown....
================================================================================
Note 5.164 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 164 of 172
V8800::CALLEN "Elf : Alcoholic and underage." 23 lines 31-JAN-1991 12:48
-< sorry >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
10
9
8
7
6
45
89
568.4784577458652
splutt!
ok try again. This time turn the ignition key.
================================================================================
Note 5.165 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 165 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 2 lines 31-JAN-1991 13:04
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, the ignition key had other ideas and had just gone on a
Europe-wide pub-crawl.
================================================================================
Note 5.166 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 166 of 172
V8800::CALLEN "Elf : Alcoholic and underage." 6 lines 31-JAN-1991 13:10
-< Hank's return. >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Along with anything else which might remotely be called useful.
That left Hank standing where he had been standing looking completely
unuseful, and a little bereft.
================================================================================
Note 5.167 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 167 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 5 lines 31-JAN-1991 15:36
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bereft was indescribably hideous, indescribably blubbery and
indescribably mid-to-dark green. This was until Hank realised that it
was in fact a Vogon.
The Vogon reached for his poetry book.....
================================================================================
Note 5.168 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 168 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "Bay City Or Bust..." 23 lines 31-JAN-1991 16:34
-< Four Million Dollars ? >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hank walked towards the house. It had the look of a house built by a
rich man to hide from something. There were guard towers dotted about
the place and Hankv wouldn't have been supprised to find a sign saying
'DUNGEONS THIS WAY -'. This penitentiary had small front windows, like
those that Robin Hood might use to ward off the Sheriff's men. Hands
deep in pockets, Hank approached. This could be a mistake, but with no
car keys what could he do. Ask for a phone call seemed a good move.
The door swung open on silent hinges, inside the place reeked of the
ocean, faintly in the background he could hear the lapping of imaginary
waves against an imaginary shore.
"Hello Hank." The voice was scratchy like that of a badly worn record.
Hank searched the room, looking for anything that the voice could have
come from. Pot plant ? Deuling Swords ? Suit of Armour ? Tapestry ?
Lobster ? Shag Pile Carpet ? Cuddly Toy ? Car Ke...HANG ON ! The
Lobster waved a friendly tenticle at Hank. Hank fainted !
================================================================================
Note 5.169 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 169 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 5 lines 31-JAN-1991 16:41
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Several hours later, Hank woke up.
As he left the room, he passed a sign saying "Dungeons This Way", but
he ignored it (even though it was in mixed case). The Lobster was
waiting for him. "Hello, glad to see you have recovered!"
================================================================================
Note 5.170 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 170 of 172
V8800::AJTAYLOR "Squeeze my lemon" 31 lines 1-FEB-1991 17:31
-< The good old days... >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Oh, what the heck' breathed Hank, and turned to follow the sign.
After travelling a fair way he came upon another sign, fixed firmly
to an old wall. It read 'Dungeons R Us'.
Using the top of the sign as a handhold, Hank pulled himself up and
scrambled over the wall.
Being in a reckless mood, Hank jumped down from the wall and landed
on the soft grass with a thump.
'Thump'
When Hank looked about him, he saw a huge pole in the middle of
what seemd very much like a courtyard. Fastened to the bottom of
the pole was another sign. This read 'Open air dungeon'.
This worried Hank a little and he looked around with a view to find
some kind of exit. The wall he had climbed over now seemed much
higher and had absolutely no handholds.
'Help!' cried Hank and nearly fainted when a voice answered him.
It was an irritating voice, filled with smugness.
'Sorry, try a bit harder.'
'What?' said Hank incredulously.
'If you are really stuck, you may order a hint sheet from Level
Nine.'
'Excuse me, but what are you talking about?'
'I do not understand that.'
'Are you dense or something?'
'I do not understand the word 'dense'.'
'Now look here!'
'You look around and find yourself trapped in an open air dungeon.
A pole stands twenty feet high in the centre of a vast courtyard.
What now?'
================================================================================
Note 5.171 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 171 of 172
V8800::JCDAY "Frobozz's Apprentice" 16 lines 2-FEB-1991 15:40
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At this point, an Infocom lept into action, and battled the Level 9
dungeon with incredible skill (and a copy of the Zork trilogy).
At this point, a M.U.D. monster which had hidden somewhere in SX broke
out and fired a cannon point-blank at the Infocom, thus becoming a
Wizard.
A passing computer with Shaydes wandered by.
Hank wondered whether he really was in Lap Of The Gods, or merely
another adventure.
Meanwhile a Haggunenon wandered around with a towel over its head
muttering something about tea, no tea and a philosophical door.
Was Hank in Cloud Cuckoo Land, or had it been taken over by a band
of marauding estate agents From Beyond The Edge.....?
================================================================================
Note 5.172 INTERACTIVE : Jackanory II - The teddy's revenge? 172 of 172
V8800::RKERSHAW "Bay City Or Bust..." 26 lines 4-FEB-1991 12:26
-< Bay City Rockers >-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A faint pop sounded then silence decended. The Lobster clicked slowly
down the corridor.
"How do you like my holographic sensuround dungeon, Hank ?" The
nightmare voice seemed to conceal a large amount of amusement.
"Wh..Wh.." Hank felt his brain dribble out of his ears.
"What do I want ?" The Tenticles twitched in his direction, "Well
that's quite simple, I want you to FIND MY DAUGHTER !"
"Wh..Wh..." Something wet and slimey slithered quickly into the gloom.
"Why ?" The Lobster was loosing his patience, "Because she's in great
danger that's why. I'll pay you a lot of money for it." The tenticles
waved and the world shifted...!
Outside the house once more Hank found himself clutching a large manila
envelope and a suit case. Opening the envelope he found it contained a
photograph of a very beautiful young woman, a caption read 'Sylvia
Daise, Bay City Beauty 1995'. The suit case was full of pearls...!
Now there was a turn up for the books !!!
…that’s all there is. I guess I grabbed that copy in February and whatever came after didn’t take another or if I did mislaid the disk in the ensuing years.